Eva Longoria busts some PHAT rhymes, yo

Some days the internet doesn’t give you anything to work with. Earlier I read that some asshat wants to remake The Crow and stick Mark Wahlberg in it. Now I have nothing against Mr. Wahlberg and his abilities but enough with the remakes already!

I swear I wouldn’t be shocked if I heard that M. Night Shymalan was remaking Inception with Gilbert Godfried. Where will it end? I’ll tell you where…nowhere, and there I’ll be hiding in my home theater rewatching reruns of The Golden Girls and drooling in my cereal.

But then something emerges from the murky depths to restore my faith in humanity. Today that something was this little slice of amazing that Eva Longoria has released into the world.

Please, take a moment to collect your thoughts and let’s reflect on this. Who knew that little Eva Longoria was a red hot MC? She busted those rhymes all over your face and you still can’t comprehend what just happened. Let’s review. She’s latin, with thighs like satin, fast and cheap like maserati, and when she talks you pay attention because she’s the HOST dammit and any time she wants she can order French Toast, bitches.

Did you get that? FRENCH. TOAST. T to the OAST. Word to your mother. This reminds me of the very short lived rap career I enjoyed in high school as one half of the Vanilla Twin Pack. I was MC Tofu Willy. You think I’m kidding.

MC Chiquita is hosting the MTV European Music Awards live from Madrid on November 7 and I’m sure her first single will drop shortly thereafter, no doubt featuring Pitbull (Mistah 305!) and Lil Wayne. And if there is indeed a God of TV, the writers of Desperate Housewives will work Eva’s newly discovered talents into future episodes.

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