Two Marilyns & a basket of muffins on Desperate Housewives

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It is Halloween on Wisteria Lane and everyone finds out what they are really afraid of. Thankfully, the scariest thing in the neighborhood isn’t Gay Lee in drag. There wasn’t much forward momentum this week but some fun was had and there was significant improvement in my campaign against seeing Teri Hatcher in her underwear. Sadly, I will have to invent a whole new drinking game now.

Renee (Vanessa Williams) is having her annual Halloween bash despite the guest list not being nearly as exciting as it was when she lived in New York. A party at Renee’s can only mean one thing; some drama is about to go down because there is never a dull party on this street.

This episode marks the official end of Susan’s underwear terrorism. Horray! Creepy Paul’s blackmail scheme forced Susan (Teri Hatcher) to tell Mike (James Denton) about her job cleaning houses seductively and he was less than amused. Mike wants to kill Paul (Mike Moses) with a hammer, which he was going to do back in season one when he found out Paul killed his girlfriend Deirdre but instead he dropped him off in the desert. I’ll bet he is regretting that now.

Susan has a better idea to get rid of Paul; one that involves a picnic basket full of muffins and some threats of her own. Seriously, what is it with the women on this street and muffins? All the world’s woes cannot be solved with two dozen muffins, no matter how moist they may be…and Susan’s are pretty moist. Operation Carbohydrate doesn’t work of course and Paul blabs about Susan’s online antics to one of the mom’s from the school where she teaches gets her fired. This leads to Mike taking that job in Alaska and he leaves.

Bree (Marcia Cross) finally gets to see where her hunky handyman boyfriend Keith (Brian Austin Green) lives and is shocked to find out that not only is it tastefully decorated he lives with a hot Asian girl named Mimi. After she sets her mind at ease about what may or may not have been going on between Mimi and her man, Bree gets to snooping and finds some mail for Keith from the Eagle State Department of Corrections. No doubt he has been arrested before for multiple accounts of accidental sexiness! She does some more snooping with Renee and finds out it was actually an arrest for assault, which for some reason doesn’t concern her. Why should it? If he ever does get mad enough at her to start throwing punches all she has to do is offer him a basket of muffins, right?

Down at the Scavo house my predictions about the mental state of Tom’s mother Alison (Lois Smith) sort of come true when Lynette (Felicity Huffman) starts noticing her bizarre mood swings, forgetfulness and obsession with proper moisturizing. Tom (Doug Savant) isn’t very receptive to this news but he comes around when Alison is found incoherent and babbling on the Solis’ front porch on Halloween night. He sends her off to an “assisted living” facility which we all know is code for Shady Pines Nursing Home. Maybe she’ll get lucky and wind up sharing a room with Sofia Petrilo. Picture it, Fairview, 2010…

Creepy Paul’s equally creepy wife Beth (Emily Bergl) is still not having sex with him which can’t be helping his violent tendencies any. He even gave her an instructional DVD which in the real world would have surely sealed the deal, right ladies? So romantic! Instead they end up at a marriage counselor and Paul finds out that Beth is a virgin. AS IF! The doc suggest they go out on some dates since they never really got to do that with Paul in jail and all, and after Beth still resists his manly display once again he kicks her out. She changes her tune though after talking to her mysterious mother and finally removes the lid from her tasty cookie jar.

This Beth story line is getting weird which has my nighttime soap filled brain working overtime. PREDICTION: Virginal Beth’s mom will turn out to be Felicia Tilman (Harriett Sansom Harris). Think about it. She vowed to get revenge on Paul for killing her sister Martha Huber who was also aware of Paul’s murderous hobbies, and she’s old enough to have a daughter Beth’s age. What better way to get him back than to tempt him with a mousy virginal blonde while he is still in prison, earn his trust and then when he leasts expects it take an axe to his skull? Mark my words…this too shall come to pass. Well, all except the axe part at least. I can dream though can’t I?

Renee’s party begins and she makes a FIERCE Marilyn Monroe. Gay Lee (Kevin Rahm) arrives wearing the same costume but does not diminish her fierceness at all. Sorry Lee, but Renee rocks this look a little better. You get a A+ for effort though. At the party, Bree tests her newfound knowledge about hunky Keith’s prior arrest for assault and finds out that he still has quite a temper. They argue on the front lawn and Bree spills the beans about her alcoholism which makes Keith feel less lame and they make up.

Gabriel (Eva Longoria) continues her campaign to win the love of her biological daughter Grace while subconsciously neglecting Juanita, the girl she raised. Juanita is no dummy though and she gets revenge on the interloper by cutting off most of her luxurious hair after Grace gets some gum stuck in it. Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira) warns her that Juanita might figure things out and that would be very very bad. Gabby vows to be more careful but secretly remains selfish.

So it is looking like “bony white lady” Bree might just have herself a real boyfriend in Keith. How long before more secrets from Keith’s past arrive to tear them apart? Will it be an ex-wife? Illegitimate child? Past life as a porn star? Who knows? Happiness doesn’t hang around for long on Wisteria Lane.

Next week on Desperate Housewives Susan gets a job as Lynette’s nanny, Bree welcomes The Change of Life without a basket of muffins and Gay Bob’s secret crush on Carlos is revealed! With all the gay panic going on in the news it will be interesting to see how they handle Bob’s crush on a straight man. Tune in to ABC next Sunday to find out and watch the preview below.