REVIEW: Glee “The Substitute”

The problem with having A-list guest stars on a show like Glee is that you end up liking them and hoping they’ll abandon their 20 million dollar movie deals to satisfy my episodic television whims. I adore Gwyneth Paltrow’s selfish and commitment phobic Holly Holiday but sadly I doubt we’ll ever see her again.

This week the mood was a lot lighter in the halls of McKinley High. A horrible monkey flu epidemic carefully orchestrated by Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) has put Principal Figgins out of commission and thanks to some clever blackmailing Sue has been left in charge. It isn’t long before Mr Shu (Matthew Morrison) gets sick and starts having fever-induced visions of his class as five year-olds. Even five year old Puckerman is adorable! With Mr Shu out sick too the Glee kids reach out to the musically inclined Miss Holiday to sub.

The self proclaimed “cure for the common class”, Miss Holiday thinks that having fun is the best way to teach so her classes tend to be a little relaxed. She led the English class in a rousing doo-wop version of the Schoolhouse Rock classic “Conjuction Junction” that had better be released to Itunes or someone at Fox is going to get a strongly worded letter from me. And is it odd that when I heard Gwyneth introduce herself as Holly Holiday my first thought was of Polly Holiday who played Flo on Alice a hundred years ago? Kiss my grits! Now there’s a guest star I’d like to see.

Miss Holiday wins the Glee club over with a cleaned up version of Cee-Lo’s “F*** You”, a song that I must confess I’ve never heard. I really don’t know who Cee Lo is either, but that is neither here nor there. Some things just don’t make my radar. Regardless of my lack of hip hop street cred, I enjoyed the song and so did the class, everyone except Rachel (Lea Michelle) that is. No big shock there. She was wearing her diva hat this week and I really had no time for her foolishness.

While Holly Holiday is busy dazzling the glee club Sue is waging a war on junk food. She bans potater tots from the school lunchroom which really upsets Mercedes (Amber Riley) who is eating them by the bucketful to cope with the loss of Kurt’s attentions. Kurt (Chris Colfer) is too busy fawning over Blaine (Darren Criss) to pay much attention to her anymore, and his answer is to find her a boyfriend so she’ll be distracted. I thought that was a little insensitive of him but then I remembered what I was like when I was young and in love and I shut my mouth.

Mercedes is so upset over the loss of the tots that she pulls a Norma Rae and incites a potater riot. Then she stuffs tater tots up the tailpipe of Sue’s classic 1979 LeCar which gets her in trouble. A show of hands for those of you who remember the LeCar! I do because I’m old. Those cars were fugly. Sue also fires Mr Shu just because she can.

While Mr Shu recuperates at home his ex-wife Terri shows up to try and seduce him into taking her back. She’s doped up on nerve pills and wants to play sick baby with him which apparently involves a large thermometer dipped in vaseline and a tub of Vicks Vaporub. Who knew Mr. Shu was so kinky? They totally have greasy ex-sex which causes more unpleasantness later.

This is the follow up to the big bullying episode so it was just a matter of time before Kurt’s nemesis The Football Player shows up and threatens to kill him if he spills the beans about his repressed homosexual desires.

Gwyneth was wonderful in this episode. Yeah her character was not completely likeable. I mean as a teacher she kind of sucks, and as a person she’s irresponsible and cowardly. But she had fun with it. The “hoarders and red wine” scene with Sue was a classic moment, and I completely LOL’d during her history lesson at the end of the hour.

“Mary Todd Lincoln in the HOUSE!”

I may not want her teaching the kids I’ll never have, but I would totally go shoe shopping with her just so I could push little Apple around in a stroller.

The physical comedy and dialog were on fire this week. Gwyneth got some awesome one liners and the buttered floor gag was perfect! I especially enjoyed when Rachel fell on her ass and quickly said “at least I didn’t break my talent”. But the musical numbers just kind of left me with a big MEH. Gwyneth’s “Forget You” was pretty good but the “Make Em Laugh” duet between Matthew Morrison and Harry Shum Jr was just weird. The Chicago inspired glamour number with Rachel and Holly Holiday was pretty to look at but the dancing went on for way too long. And the big “Singing in the Rain/Umbrella-ella-ella” finale did nothing for me either. The music on this show is starting to feel less organic which is what I think made the first season work so well. Now it’s like “OK EVERYONE STOP EXPLAINING THE PLOT…I HAVE A SONG TO SING!” Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood this week or something. Glee is best when the music flows.

And finally here is my favorite quote from this episode:

Sue: “You annoy me Will. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn.”

Next week it looks like Finn and Kurt’s parents are getting married finally, and Carol Burnette arrives as Sue’s mother.

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• REVIEW: Glee “Duets”
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• REVIEW: Glee “New York” Finale

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