Happy New Year folks. It seems like it’s been a coon’s age since all hell broke loose on Wisteria Lane and somebody shot Paul Young. The holidays are so exhausting, but not nearly exhausting as this increasingly ridiculous season of Desperate Housewives. I have a high tolerance for silliness on television, I really do, but I am at my wits end with the ladies of Wisteria Lane this year. What in the hell is going on with these people?
In the aftermath of last weeks big riot we find out that Susan (Teri Hatcher) has lost a kidney because after a season where she lost her house and became a dirty internet whore the writers felt she had not suffered enough and left her twitching and drooling on the hospital floor like a dying carp. At least her husband Mike (James Denton) is back from Alaska, or is he? Did he really go? It’s hard to say because he only showed up after receiving a call from Felicia Tilman asking him if he was the one who shot Paul Young like she asked him to. Excuse me? When did this happen? Oh it happened right after the writers decided they needed a red herring to throw at me early in the episode. Shame it was so obvious.
Across the street Keith (Brian Austin Green) has moved in with Bree (Marcia Cross) after storming out last episode because Bree wouldn’t marry him. Young men are so indecisive and fickle, right? He is barely unpacked before Bree’s ex-husband Orson (Kyle McLachlan) rolls up with a tale of woe and heartbreak worthy of a Folger’s holiday commercial. Of course Bree decides that letting her ex-husband move in on the same day her insecure muscle bound gardener boyfriend moves in is perfectly sane because if we’ve learned one thing about Bree over these seven seasons it’s that she is stupid. That was sarcasm by the way. Bree isn’t stupid, this plot is stupid and it gets worse when Orson and Keith engage in a pissing match over dinner that ends with an all out food fight. Come on guys, really? What is Keith going to do next, attempt to jump over a hungry shark while water skiing?
At the Solis house, Gabby (Eva Longoria) is trying to convince Juanita that she loves her by taking her to a creepy doll store. Juanita is the smartest chick on this street though and sees right through her mother’s ruse. She knows she would rather have Grace around so she ends up in therapy and Gabby is told she has to erase all evidence of Grace from their lives. In true Gabby form she resists and decides to get her Grace fix by buying a creepy doll that looks just like her…and then stroke it and coddle it like it is a real baby. No really, that is what she did.
At least my prediction that Renee (Vanessa Williams) would tell Lynette (Felicity Huffman) about her night of hot steam sex with Tom Scavo (Doug Savant) during their anniversary party did not come true. Instead she spilled the beans at a pitch meeting and Lynette gave her the icy cold shoulder of dismissal, but not before making her promise not to tell Tom that she knew about it. Why? Becuase Lynette wanted to exact her revenge the way any normal psychotic would…by tormenting Tom with pranks and tricks that leave him only partially injured or maimed. Her first strike is a boiling cup of hot cocoa. Oh the humanity. Granted, Lynette is sort of famous for underhanded and semi-elaborate revenge plots in order to make a point, but in this case I think she would have taken a more direct approach.
So who did shoot Paul Young you ask? We don’t know yet. Everyone on the street has a alibi but his wife Beth and the cops know she is up to something. They do some digging and find out who her mother is, which warrants a visit to Paul who pretends he knew about it already. He sends the cops on their way and stares menacingly at Beth’s crochet needles. Perhaps he’d like to make a tea cozy, or a hand stitched body bag he can use to dispose of Beth’s body. Either way I wish he’d get on with it so we can try to salvage the final few months of this horrific season.
What has happened to this show? Even when the episodes are bad I can usually find one or two moments to enjoy. Last week it was Ms. McKleskey’s snarky banter about Paul but this week there were no threads of hope to cling to. I notice that “Assassins” was written by John Paul Bullock III whose last effort was the “blind Carlos gives women orgasms during massages” episode in season five.
Desperate Housewives returns next Sunday on ABC with a different writer and special guests Lesley Ann Warren and Valerie Harper along with the return of someone no one expected to see again. Any guesses who that will be? Betty Applewhite? Kathryn Mayfair? Angie Bolen? I have no idea. Whoever it is, let’s hope there are no more food fights.
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