A dim glow of hope is beginning to shine in the dark recesses of suckage that has been Desperate Housewives for the past few episodes. Last night’s chapter in this tale of horror was a teeny bit better than last week but still made me cringe and cry for all the wrong reasons. It also had a moment or two of brilliance.
Spring is in the air in Fairview despite 7 inches of snow on the ground where I live, and the ghost of Mary Alice tells us that the world is a beautiful place full of people who do ugly things. Of course she is talking about Creepy Paul Young (Mark Moses) and his shady wife Beth (Emily Bergl). Paul is trying to decide just how he will punish Beth now that he knows she is the demon spawn of one Felicia Tillman. After Beth tells him the story of the magically appearing revolver in Bree’s sofa he suggests they get away for the weekend to a nice secluded place. Before they can leave though the police show up to question Beth, but Paul intercepts. The cops show him the revolver that Beth discovered at Bree’s house and he immediately recognizes it, and does a bad job of hiding the reaction. Still, the cops walk away again without pressing the issue. How the Fairview Police Department solves any crime at all is a mystery to me since they seem to avoid any real police work. My guess is that he realizes the gun belongs to his son Zach, or perhaps it belonged to Zach’s grandfather…either way it seems that Paul knows Zach is back.
I asked for more Bob and Lee on the show and I am getting it in spades…big gay spades. This week, the gay duo are decorating the bedroom of their newly adopted child Liza who arrives later in the week. They initially hire a designer named Barbara Fairchild (no relation to Morgan) which pisses off their neighbor Renee (Vanessa Williams) who recently started her own design firm with Lynette Scavo. Bob (Tuc Watkins) and Lee (Kevin Rahm) are delighted when Renee promises to do the job two days quicker and 20% cheaper. Not only does she deliver on her promise but the room is gorgeous, prompting Lee to exclaim that it is the exact room he wanted as a boy…complete with miniature unicorns! We also find out that Renee regrets never having children, so when little Liza finally arrives Lee asks Renee if she is willing to be a mother figure for her when girl talk comes up. Renee agrees of course, but is quick to reminds us she isn’t that sweet all the time. She demonstrates her evil powers by stopping a small child on a scooter using just the power of her mind. I always knew she was an evil genius.
Speaking of EVIL…next door at the Solis house Gabby (Eva Longoria) is still carrying around her creepy devil-possessed effigy of her biological daughter Grace and has begun introducing it to the neighbors, including Mrs. McKlesky who thinks she is nutso and warns Carlos (Ricardo Chavira) that his wife is about to go off the deep end. She does just that later on when a gunman carjacks the couple on their way to dinner and steals their car with little Princess Valerie strapped into the car seat. Gabby goes completely nuts and screams about her baby. Now I’ve never been carjacked, but I did not understand why if Carlos was sitting there with the car running why didn’t he just hit the gas and get the heck out of there? The carjacker had not opened the car door or anything, and the most he could have done was shoot at the car as they sped off…possibly hitting one of them but not likely since he was hyped up on whatever version of meth they sell on the dark streets of Fairview. Instead he just gets out of the car and lets the guy take off with it.
Lynette’s mother Stella (Polly Bergen) arrives with the news that she is engaged to a man she met in the pool at the old folks home named Frank (Larry Hagman). But when Lynette (Felicity Huffman) meets Frank she finds out he is a racist jerk whom her mother claims she is marrying for his money. Lynette being Lynette she can’t wheel her mother down the aisle to marry a jackass she doesn’t love so she tries to talk her out of it. Turns out that while he’s an ass he adores Stella and Lynette gives in.
Poor Susan (I have officially added the word Poor to her name since she is eternally in a woes me state this year) shows up for her first day of dialysis and winds up sharing the room with former President Charles Logan from 24. President Logan (Gregory Itzin) is also in dialysis and he is not happy about it, probably as a result of that wound his ex-wife Martha inflicted with that kitchen knife or his failed suicide attempt at the end of season 8. He has also put on a few pounds and is a generally disagreeable old coot. Susan (Teri Hatcher) is determined to brighten his day and turns on that old Mayer charm which royally pisses Logan off. It would me too. How many times does someone have to say they aren’t in a chatting mood to get a complete stranger to shut up? This happened to me on a bus once where despite headphones and an open book the woman next to me insisted on telling me her life story. Anyway…Susan pushes the issue with Logan to the point where he loses patience and confronts her with the reality of their situation. Apparently the writers waited till midseason to wake up and give Susan some moments because the exchange between Logan and herself is heartbreaking and Teri Hatcher nails the emotion perfectly, as does Itzin.
The big reveal this week came at the expense of hunky handyman and VanDeKamp boy toy Keith (Brian Austin Green). When a saucy minx in tiny shorts named Amber James shows up at Bree’s house looking for Keith it sends Bree (Marcia Cross) into cougar detective mode. She tracks the girl down at her hotel (hello inappropriate) and is shocked to learn that not only is it Keith’s ex-girlfriend, a fact she determined by asking him loaded questions in bed, but she has Keith’s six year-old son in tow. (Cue dramatic music) Knowing how much Keith wanted a child she offers to deliver the news for Amber, but when Keith is obviously upset by the notion of possibly having a kid Bree decides to withhold the info and lies to Amber about his reaction. She sends Amber on her way with a fat check and then feels bad about it later when she cuts the blooms off her roses. At first I didn’t buy this at all. Bree would never let something that important go unmentioned, but a big fuss has been made about how much Bree has changed this season now that she’s getting regular sausage deliveries from a hot young stud like Keith so I could sort of see how she might do something ugly to preserve that, even if we all know this will come back to bite her in the ass later. I have a feeling more than her precious rose petals will get pruned when Keith finds out about this.
There was no preview for next week so I’m assuming the show isn’t back for a bit. Things are looking up a little I think, but this season has a long way to go before I’m twirling with adoration again. I am only mildly curious what Zach Young is up to and I suspect it will end up being a whole bunch of mayhem and foolishness. And I swear Gabby is going to end up in a doll costume singing songs like Baby Jane Hudson before this is over.
You can catch Desperate Housewives on ABC Sundays at 9pm.
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Why are you recapping a show that you clearly don’t like?
I do like Desperate Housewives, a lot actually…which makes the current state of the show that much more painful to endure. I’ve watched since the beginning and I plan to watch till the end, but right now the show is really disappointing. I keep writing about it because I’m sure there are some folks who missed the episode and want to know what happened, even if it is peppered with my disdain for what the writers have done to my beloved housewives.