Look, we all know superheroes are very much en vogue in Hollywood these days. We also all know how skintight attire really, reeeeeally works with hot guys (I’m still recovering from the sight of Thor and Captain America presenting at the Golden Globes.) But dude, how much more “the Fantastic Three Take Mystic Falls” can that still with Damon (Ian Somerhalder), Stefan (Paul Wesley) and Tyler (Michael Trevino) look? There’s no invisible woman but Caroline (Candice Accola) pretty much fits the look, so I guess we’re covered.
In much more important news, this episode, entitled “Daddy Issues” – God help us, there’s enough of that on Grey’s Anatomy, if I have to see how Daddy Salvatore was cruel and mean to poor Damon and that’s why he will from now on say “I had tuna salad” I will need a liter of mojito to get through this! – envisages the Return of the Sarkie! What, his name is Julian Sark, not Jonathan Gilbert. For those of you who didn’t watch Alias, well too damn bad, you haven’t seen David Anders at his finest. Sark is the character that defined him and his fake (and VERY well mastered) British accent. Sark is also one of the reasons why I got to see Michael Vartan (no I won’t add anything, read my profile) all angry and devious and also half naked, so my gratitude for David Anders and Sark knows no bounds.
So anyway. Uncle Jonathan thinks he’s spent way too much time being quiet without making Aunt Jenna’s (Sara Canning) life a living hell, and he’s also clearly got no interest in staying alive (at least not as a human, remember the little trick Stefan played on him last time around?) so he thinks it’s about damn time he returned to Mystic Falls. He obviously finds a heartwarming party ready for him the moment he sets foot back in the vampire and werewolves town. If for heartwarming we intend “ready to warm his heart in a frying pan after having taken it out of his chest”. Suffice it to say, Jenna, Elena (Nina Dobrev) and Damon are each thinking of different ways to get rid of him once they learn he’s back. And if we know Damon, those ways don’t include anything that envisages Uncle Jonathan staying alive.
So, Sarkie boy redux (what, Sark was the bad guy, too) decides to just make everyone miserable for the hell of it. Except obviously he has a plan, which I’m sorry I cannot report on as I do not know what it is. All I know is he’s got quite the bone to pick with Jenna and Alaric (the awesome Matt Davis, YES! He is in this episode, too!) and he isn’t going to let that little detail about Jenna being “Team Oblivious Human” and Alaric being “Team Very Aware Bad Vampire Slayer” just slip. Get the picture? Yes, right when Alaric and Jenna finally experience some long-awaited bliss (and give us hot scenes to watch), the fun needs to be spoiled. Damn. Feel like hitting Uncle J with a hammer yourself already? Good, that’s exactly what the writers want, because that way we all watch just to see in what violent and cruel way he is going to be exterminated.
In other news, Caroline (Candice Accola) lets Stefan know about her conversation with Tyler, and Stefan does his best to reach out to a confused and conflicted Tyler. What is this, some sick press release humor? Because Stefan is sure reaching out to Tyler in that photo where he’s holding him against the wall trying to strangle him and/or keep him silent while Mrs Lockwood is about to walk past the door? Or maybe I’m misreading it all and that really is an affectionate gesture. (Not a chance, but never mind).
And, we can see from the pics that Jules (guest star Michaela McManus) finally has some much-needed heart-to-heart talk with Tyler. The look on Tyler’s face is in between “why did I complicate my life with Little Miss Sunshine Vampire when I could have had this hot werewolf mama” and “man will this mess EVER get any better?”. Kudos to Michael Trevino for his acting there! (yes, I mean it).
So, getting back to where we started, the Fantastic Three are all posing in those brilliantly skintight shirts and leather jackets, they all look like something that is just not right is in front of them. Of course they are in the woods, where as we all know, NOTHING ever goes wrong? Such a great place to hang out at, especially if you want to meet deadly enemies and engage in fights that could cost you your life! I’m not entirely sure why Tyler is with Stefan and Damon there but I can offer that Jules (guest star Michaela McManus) has taken a prisoner and things get quite out of hand with that one, so here are three options:
A) Jules has taken Elena (yes, I know you’re all shocked. Elena probably offered to be traded or something, her mantra lately is “why not make it worse when it can be worsened?”). Jules is holding Elena tight, and Stefan, Damon and Tyler think that is just not right as they should be the ones fighting over them while being in the middle of that hotness sandwich.
B) Stefan and Damon have decided it’s time to drop the girls because all they cause is trouble, and they fight over who gets Tyler instead. Caroline, Jules and Elena go meet them in the woods and tell them they have their own triangle going on. The Fantastic Three start drooling at the prospect and reconsider their situation, since “this is just not right!”.
C) Jules has taken Elena AND Caroline hostage. Damon and Stefan have taken Tyler. They realize they’re screwed as Jules has two people and they only have one (hence the “This is not right” expression). Too bad about that heart-ripping incident with super hot Uncle Mason (Taylor Kinney), Damon, or you would have had your second fiche to play. Bet Jules and Tyler won’t take it too well when they find out. Time for plan B, I tell ya.
Now, on to the most important line the press release offers us: “Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) comforts Bonnie (Katerina Graham) after her disturbing conversation with Jonas (guest star Randy Goodwin).” This better mean what follows: Bonnie regains her sanity after realizing half the girls worldwide called her stupid for blowing off Jeremy as he was trying to kiss her. She puts on her best “woe is me” girl scene for Jeremy. Jeremy, the sweet little sexy thing he is, tries kissing her again… AND SHE KISSES HIM BACK. Anything not involving this ending won’t be considered, dear Ms Plec and dear Mr Williamson. So, you better deliver. Or I’ll tell David Anders to actually be Sark, and let me tell you, Uncle Jonathan is a little innocent lamb compared!
In other fundamentally important news, Zach Roerig (who plays super sweet and super cute Matt) also stars in the episode. And there we go! You really, seriously thought this episode was going to be triangle-free? I swear that scene in the woods has got to be all about polygons at this point, there are so many triangle combos involved I have a headache just thinking about them.
Dying to see The Fantastic Three in all their glorious hotness on your screen? Can’t sleep thinking how the hell those polygons are going to be formed? Well then don’t forget to tune in for the new episodes of The Vampire Diaries, starting Thursday, Jan. 27 at 8 p.m. on the CW Television Network!
Photo Credit: The CW