REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “Searching”

Mark Cherry giveth and then Mark Cherry taketh away. Two weeks ago he teased me with a decent episode, reminding me that they occasionally know what they are doing over at Camp Wisteria and are quite capable of delivering moments of greatness. Then on last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives he took my hopes and lined the cage of his prized cockatoo with them before hitting me over the head with one of Bree’s enormous muffin baskets. Oh why do you torture me so Mr. Cherry? Why?

Before I go on let’s have a moment of silence for my lost hopes. I do love this show and I pray that they can find their way back from Crazy Town. After all there are over two months left until the finale and a lot can happen right? At this point I’d be happy if Renee suddenly revealed she was born a man. Or how about Joan Collins moving into Martha Huber’s old house? ANYTHING. ANYTHING but what they are subjecting us to at the moment.

This week’s episode, aptly titled “Searching” was a disaster. It hit the iceberg head on and sank like a stone. In the teaser the ghost of Mary Alice reminded us that she shot herself and asked us which housewife would be doing the same thing this week. When I heard this I perked up a bit. Was Mr. Cherry shaking things up again by killing off a lead like he did with poor Edie? Who had pissed him off this time and what spectacular death would they meet? I speculated it might be Renee (Vanessa Williams) but before I completed the thought I knew it wasn’t true. If Ness was leaving the show we’d have heard about it already. The press can’t keep secrets like that. So, that meant that it wasn’t a lead who would blow their brains out. That left surly Mitzi Kinsky, Beth Young, the estranged and looney wife of creepy murderer Paul Young or sweet old Mrs. McKlesky. You do the math and we’ll come back to this.

With this knowledge that someone is going to die in the final reel we launched into another lightning round of plots with our four lead housewives. Gabby (Eva Longoria) got the silly story of the week with her rivalry with Lee (Kevin Rahm) over whose daughter was the most talented. Gabby has the false impression that Lee is forcing his adopted child to learn the violin to satisfy his own selfish desires and she sets out to prove she can be equally as selfish. In the end she had learned a valuable lesson for the dozenth time and shared a nice moment with Juanita at the talent show, but overall it was a throwaway plot with no forward movement for her character. With the season finale looming Gabby should be up to something besides acting like her season one self.

Lynette (Felicity Huffman) teaches Renee a thing or two about parenting this week in another disposable storyline where nothing new was learned. When Renee decides one morning that she wants a baby Lynette decides to let her babysit as a sort of test drive for Renee. She fails miserably and decides that maybe a baby isn’t what she needs to fill the void in her cold, dead heart. What she needs is a good script.

Also in need of a good script and some self-tanner is Bree VanDeKamp (Marcia Cross). Last week she cut loose her boy toy Keith in what might have been the best played DH scene of 2011. Now she has no business, a missing son who despite living down the street is never seen and never calls, and no man to warm her 1000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. Lost and drifting she invites Reverend Sykes over for scones that cause the poor man’s eyes to roll back in his head and made him deliver the best line of the episode:

“The more exquisite the baked goods the more tormented your soul is Bree, so I ask again…have you killed someone?”

What Bree wants is meaning, purpose and a well-greased cake pan. Reverend Sykes urges her to do good for others just like Jesus taught us and she will find meaning and purpose. She decides that she will help Susan find a kidney. And what better way to sniff out a suitable donor than a brunch? In typical Bree fashion she invites everyone over with promises of exquisite baked goods, traps them in her house and unleashes a doctor and nurse on them, refusing to let anyone leave until they are tested. This reveals that two potential donors live on the lane, herself and looney Beth Young. One question comes to mind here. If Bree or any of the other wives were so concerned about Susan why have none of them been tested before now? Seems like the perfect time for this would have been after Susan was put on the waiting list and told it could be six years before a suitable donor is found. Or maybe a good time would have been after her mother refused to donate because she was dying of cancer. Or maybe after Susan (Teri Hatcher) collapsed for the tenth time and was rushed to Fairview Memorial. No, it took a death sentence from the doctors to trigger a sense of urgency in anyone. I’m sorry but that was just weak storytelling. WEAK. If I was Susan I’d pimp-slap all of them with my bad kidney.

Speaking of Susan, poor clumsy naked emotional Susan. For once she wasn’t acting like a fool but she was naked and she was sent scrambling for her clothes when a group of Civil War re-enactors stumbled upon her and Mike (James Denton) making sweet sweet love in the woods where they got married for the second time. And these weren’t just any Civil War re-enactors. These guys meant business, but Susan has adopted a “don’t sweat the little things” attitude since her death sentence which is why she dragged Mike into the woods in the first place. Little does she know there are two donors waiting for her when she gets home.

So about this kidney; Beth Young (Emily Bergyl) got tested after her mother Felicia Tilman disowned her for completely botching Operation Destroy Paul Young. She not only disowned her she called her out for being useless and condemned her to a life of sadness, despair and too many cats. Beth is a doormat anyway so this was the final nail in her coffin so to speak after Paul kicked her out AGAIN, but not before he confessed to killing Martha Huber…a confession that Beth failed to get on tape or in writing. Silly Beth. Desperate for meaning and purpose she decides to donate a kidney to Susan. But she is even denied this act of kindness when Bree sweeps in with her muffins and her superior kidney and tells Beth she wants to be the donor. Beth has one more trick up her sleeve though, which brings us back to what the ghost of Mary Alice told us at the top of the hour. Beth waltzed herself into Fairview Memorial with all her forms filled out and put Paul’s gun to her temple. BANG, Susan has a kidney. Or does she?

It wasn’t stated whether Beth survived the suicide attempt or not, and there was no teaser for the next episode. I think it is safe to say that we have seen the last of Beth Young but I wouldn’t put it past them to have her survive and wake up with a new personality and no memory of anything. Granted, that leaves Bree to donate a kidney and find her purpose so Susan is saved either way. But with Beth gone, or crazier, where does this leave Paul?

I think Mark Cherry and his team need to take some time to regroup. Desperate Housewives has lost its way this season and it may be time for an overhaul. I’m not suggesting that a flood kill everyone on the lane and destroy those beautiful houses but the writers need to step back and rediscover what made the show so compelling to begin with. Season one gave us the rivalry between Edie and Susan over Mike, and the tormented marriage of Bree and Rex which ultimately ended in Rex’s murder at the hands of that lunatic pharmacist. THAT was good television. How would I fix it you ask? What would I do with these characters? I’m not sure. Most of my ideas come from the Dynasty/Knots Landing playbook and while fun and melodramatic may not play as well as I think they might. I am a fan of long lost twins and kidnapped babies and shirtless drifters on motorcycles. I like ungrateful children who try to take over the family business and cousins who fall in love because they don’t know they are related. You know, fun stuff like that. If I wanted wholesome families who go to church and spend all day gardening I’d watch reruns of 7th Heaven. I WANT DRAMA!!!!  SCANDAL!!!!  I definitely think they could do a lot more with Bob (Tuc Watkins) and Lee. Why hasn’t Andrew caused trouble with them yet? Remember when he was a dirty slut and slept with Bree’s boyfriend just because he could? I miss that Andrew. He could seduce Bob and cause all sorts of mayhem. And don’t get me started on Renee. The way they have wasted Vanessa Williams is a crime against creativity.

Desperate Housewives returns in a month on April 3rd with an episode that features Bree’s son Andrew with a drinking problem. That is a small step in the right direction.

Similar Posts:

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• REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “Everything’s Different, Nothing’s Changed”
• REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “Putting It All Together”
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