Gwyneth Paltrow returned to Glee this week to teach everyone about sex and in the process she managed to hold together an episode that was trying desperately to get away from her. Glee has always played fast and loose with reality but they really outdid themselves on this one.
The episode entitled “Sexy” also marked the return of poor naïve Emma Pillsbury (Jayma Mays) back into the narrative. Her role as faculty advisor for the Celibacy Club seems a step or two back from her “Like a Virgin” days when she was all ready to tackle Mr. Schue (Matthew Morrison) and wrestle his hose monster. Gwyneth’s Holly Holiday thinks she is a little nuts and I tend to agree. Holly is no dummy it turns out and sees right through Emma’s intimacy issues with Carl (John Stamos) and asks her point-blank if she still loves Will.
The writers brought their A-game on this one. The snappy one-liners were firing faster than I could register them, Holly getting almost all of the really good ones. The kids of McKinley are woefully misinformed about sex and Holly has swooped in to make it all right. She sums it up like this:
Sex is like hugging only wetter.
Right on Miss Holiday.
Holly also has sound advice for Puck (Mark Salling) and Lauren (Ashley Fink) who have devised a plan to launch Lauren into Kardashian fame by means of a nasty whoremongering sex tape. While I am all in favor of anything involving Puck and sex I think they made the right choice in abandoning this plan even if it does mean Lauren’s quest for a tv show and a fragrance was set back a month or two. I don’t see Puck lasting very long in the celibacy club though.
If you are asking yourself how a group of attractive and horny “teenagers” could be so clueless about even the most basic sexual mechanics then stop right now. Logic cannot be applied here. Once we start applying logic to Glee then we find ourselves angry and sullen faced and unable to enjoy the Justin Bieber covers and choreography that appears out of thin air. Brittany (Heather Morris) is known for her…shall we say epic naïveté…but to believe that this self-proclaimed slut thinks babies come from storks is pushing it a little far. And even after Finn (Cory Monteith) spent all of season one thinking he got Quinn (Dianna Agron) pregnant from the hot tub only to be corrected by Quinn AND Puck he still thinks one can get AIDS from salad fixins. This group needs help.
In the midst of all this talk of fornicating some big moments took place. We found out Kurt (Chris Colfer) is terrified of sex and rejects any attempt to get informed. Blaine (Darren Criss), in a move wise beyond his fictional years he approached Kurt’s father about having “the talk” which led to a scene that I hope every gay kid in America gets to see. Burt handled this in the best way possible and it was an inspiration to watch. I wish I had been given half of this information when I was sixteen.
“I don’t want to see you throw yourself around like you don’t matter, because you matter Kurt.”
Also brilliant was Santana’s struggle with her sexuality. She has made no secret about being sexually fluid but has resisted any sort of label unless it is on something she shoplifted. For her to realize that her bitchy attitude is due to her anger over being in love with Brittany and not being able to deal with it was heavy stuff. Naya Rivera really nailed this one. Who knew Santana had feelings? Unfortunately Brittany shoots her down because she doesn’t want to hurt Artie (Kevin McHale). I don’t know where that is coming from exactly but I’m sure this won’t be the last we hear about it. I really hope Santana and Brittany get together for some sweet lady kisses soon.
Also horny this week is Mr. Schue who turns into a twelve year-old boy whenever Holly is around. After they sex-dance their way through Prince’s “Kiss” he convinces the damaged Holly to throw caution to the wind and go out with him. It was hard to tell if Holly has genuine interest in Will or if she just reacted to knowing Emma still had the hots for him. We shall see.
As far as the music goes Gwyneth was the real star of the evening. Her leather-clad romp through the choir room on Gary Glitter’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me” was on point. And she dominated the touching performance of the Stevie Nick’s classic “Landslide” vocally even if all eyes were on Santana.
Blaine and his warblers did a fine job on the Neon Trees track “Animal” but it wasn’t one of my favorites. Maybe it was the song or maybe it was the impromptu foam party at the end. Either way I could have done without it.
Figures that the one song stuck in my head all day wound up being “Afternoon Delight” featuring Emma and the Celibates. The outfits, the harmony and the set were all perfection and next to dropping my afternoon deuce it was my favorite thing.
Glee returns next week with the regionals episode called “Original Song”. Tune into Fox at 8pm to catch it.