REVIEW: American Horror Story “Open House”

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As we head into the Thanksgiving holiday let’s review what the cast of American Horror Story has to be thankful for. Viv should be thankful she gets to have hot fantasy sex with a hunky black man AND that slippery rubber suit guy. When Dylan McDermott is your last choice for hot sweet love then things are looking up. Violet should be thankful that sweet adorable tortured Tate loves her so much he’d go all Edward Cullen on her freshly cut wrists. Ben should be thankful no one has shot his douche ass yet and Constance should be thankful she gets all the good dialogue. This week on House Hunters: Demonic Possession Edition the Harmons finally have some potential buyers showing up to tour their little slice of suburban heaven. Marci the realtor isn’t too happy about Vivien’s tactic of full-disclosure concerning the house’s checkered past but Moira has a few ideas about how to secure an offer on the place much to the delight of Armenian playboy Joe Eskandarian (Amir Arison) who wants to tear the place down. I guess she figures a shot in the mouth is a small price to pay for being released from the prison she’s in. I think Moira is on to something here. If more open houses offered blowjobs then the housing crisis would solve itself. Larry the Burn Guy (Denis O’Hare) is also interested in the house but slutty Moira (Alexandra Breckenridge) isn’t as interested in “securing his business”. Larry doesn’t want to tear the place down though. He’s more interested in being close to Constance (Jessica Lange) whom he had an affair with once upon a midnight clear. This affair allowed Constance to talk Larry into killing her son Beau and inspired Larry’s somewhat homely wife to barbecue herself and their kids in the upstairs nursery. Beau suffered from the same ailment that Eric Stoltz did in The Mask and is the mysterious owner of the red ball we see rolling around periodically. He was in danger of being sent away when Constance is brought up on charges of child endangerment and a proper southern lady can’t have a scandal like that tainting her dance card. And what is going on in her uterus exactly? So Larry lied about killing his family in order to scare Ben away. This was not his finest moment but crazy people cannot always be counted on to make sound decisions. We also learn that Constance doesn’t hold the same fond memories for him that Larry holds for her. Still he is willing to do whatever she wants and proves it by smothering poor Mr. Eskandarian while Moira gnaws his Armenian dick off in the basement. What a way to go. That’s what he gets for building his “temples to the gods of travertine”. Vivien (Connie Britton) changes doctors and finds out that not only is her baby healthy (WTF?) there are two of them brewing in her tummy. Is the nurse in on this joke or have the little devil twins developed into normal looking demonic infants with 666 birthmarks? I suspect that’s something they are saving for the finale. She seems in better spirits though and with Ben away she has plenty of time to masturbate. Meanwhile Violet (Taissa Farmiga) is upstairs in the attic being emo with Tate (Evan Peters). She’s not handling her new found ability to see every ghost in her house and has taken to cutting herself again. At least Viv and Ben are starting to realize she is depressed and they try to inspire happiness with a pot roast but it doesn’t go so well. Later in the attic Tate shows her a box of old photos he found that belonged to Charles and Norah Montgomery as well as some leftover gay porn that they both find to be quite hot. These flashbacks to the Montgomery’s lead me to believe that they are the source of the issues in the house. Maybe some deal with the devil is what allowed Dr Montgomery to bring their dismembered baby Thaddeus back to life using the beating heart of one of their girls. This results in a hissing monster child that takes a bite out of Norah’s breasticle. Norah is not at all pleased with these developments and resolves the issue by putting a pistol in her husband’s temple and then into her mouth leaving Frankenbaby to fend for itself upstairs. Later when Violet shows Viv a pic of the happy couple Viv realizes that she’s been seeing ghosts for the first time. American Horror Story is back on Thanksgiving Eve and Ryan and Brad are promising to reveal the identity of the man in the rubber suit. I have my theories but honestly it could be anyone, even someone we haven’t met yet…although I doubt that.