Neal here…you know, the other gay boy on the block. I’m glad you invited me to join your final game of poker on Wisteria Lane. I am terrible at this game but I do love my gossip and nobody dishes better than you guys. Now hand me one of Bree’s enormous muffins and let’s get to it.
It sure had been a wild eight years hasn’t it? When we first met back in 2004 that idiot Bush was about to be reelected and that cranky doctor with the drug problem started yelling and screaming over on the Fox network. Then you ladies walked into my life with all your drama and your glamour and your secrets and oh what fun we had! I have you all to thank for that nice young John Rowland wandering around with his shirt off all the time. He always made my morning cup of coffee that much more enjoyable. Gabby, you remember him don’t you?
Sorry. I shouldn’t joke about such things. What I should joke about is Renee’s hideous wedding dress. What was that mess? I’m so glad Julie Delfino spilled her uterine juices all over it and had to get a new dress from Gabby’s store. Otherwise I would have had to stage an intervention. That Ben is a cutie too right?
So this is really it huh? You are all leaving me. Well I don’t like goodbyes so I figured I would write you all a nice note and drop it in the mailbox. We Wisterians do love our mysterious notes after all. I know what you did and it makes me SICK! LOL
Bad joke. Again, my apologies Bree. You can unpucker your lips now. You always were wound pretty tight. I’ll never forget that dinner you threw where you announced to everyone that your ex-husband Rex (God rest his soul) cried after he ejaculated. I didn’t know people even used that word any more. Then there was that carpenter half your age, and that stick in the mud Orson. Whatever happened to him anyway? Oh and we can’t forget your fling with Susan’s ex-husband Carl. That was one for the record books. You certainly got around, this year especially. I confess, I called you the Whore of Babylon at least once, but I was just jealous. At least you finally found happiness with that nice lawyer Tripp and from the look of things he’s been good for you. Rumor has it you two are relocating to Louisville of all places and that you might have your eye on politics. What on earth made you pick Louisville? Oh right…the Derby. You did always love an excuse to wear a say-something hat.
I do wish your kids had been around more lately though. I figured they would at least show up to support you during your unfortunate murder trial. I’ll admit now that I’ve had some wine and my hair is down that I always had a little crush on Andrew. I do love a bad boy. He turned out okay though I think. I’m just glad you talked him out of marrying that crazy rich girl. All that is behind you now though, and thank goodness. I know Gabby appreciates the sacrifice you made for her and Carlos.
Oh Gabby, I doubt you’ve read this far but just in case…who could forget that crisis of conscience you had on the stand when Tripp called you back for more testimony in order to clear Bree’s name. You could have easily stuck to your story but you knew you had to do the right thing. Then you proved to all of us that you had truly grown when you offered to take the fall yourself instead of letting Carlos rot in prison. Nicely played Mrs. Solis. You have come a long way from that selfish diva who mowed grass in her evening gown to hide that silly affair with the gardener. But we loved that selfish diva, her fabulous clothes and her special brand of crazy. You remember when you thought a doll was your real daughter? You found your true calling though as a personal shopper this year and Carlos tells me he’s going to help you start a website. He’s good people Gabby. Hang on to that one. I see you two dancing your tango together for a long long time.
Speaking of made for each other Lynette, need I go on about how glad I am that you and Tom got back together? I know I’ve not always been your biggest fan over the years. You were pretty mean to Tom along the way. He’s such a doll too, I never understood why you weren’t happy with him. Yes I know he had a daughter you didn’t know about and I know his Dad was no picnic, but he worships the ground you walk on Lynette and I’m glad you came around and finally see that. Lord knows you’ve been through enough with the cancer and those twelve kids you have. Katherine Mayfair tells me you took a job with her up in New York. Congrats! A CEO and a grandmother! Sounds like a lot of work. I hope you don’t have to start popping those energy pills again. That really was unfortunate. Katherine also told me she’s no longer a lesbian. That’s a shame really. Anyway, I’m sure you and Tom will enjoy the city.
Susan if I know you then you practically puffed up like an angry cat when I mentioned Katherine. She did almost marry Mike after all. Heck I think everyone on the street was after Mike at one time or another. If he could resist Edie Britt’s well-worn wiles then he can resist anything. You two had a good life together though, give or take a bump or two. His loss was devastating for us all. I’m glad you and Julie are happy now though with the new baby and that handsome young doctor making the moves on her. You must be so proud. I think you two will be very happy wherever it is you are moving to. I do have to say that I really did not approve of that whole “internet porn” thing you were doing a while back. I never understood why you didn’t do something more respectable to make some money when times were tough, like writing a bestseller based loosely of course on the adventures we’ve all shared on the Lane. But what do I know?
Finally let’s raise our wine glasses in honor of those we’ve lost, especially Karen McCluskey and dear sweet troubled Mary Alice, may they rest in peace. Mary Alice never had a chance once that nosy bitch Martha Huber got wind of her secrets. And that sister of hers was no better. She got hers in the end though. And something tells me that Karen and Mary Alice will always been watching over us. Wisteria Lane kind of has that vibe, like the one’s we’ve lost are hanging around watching us, narrating our lives as we live them for their own enjoyment. I like to think so. It helps me sleep at night. So does a shot of whiskey, but let’s keep that between us.
Ladies, it has been quite a journey over these eight years. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed every minute of it but darnit I kept coming back right? I love you guys. Your my neighbors for gosh sakes and we’ve been through a lot together. Fairview just won’t be the same without you. But life goes on I suppose. Something Lynette said earlier keeps echoing in my head. Sometimes we forget we are happy and we keep looking for the next thing. I got so sick of you for at one point I was ready to move away. Seriously. But then I stopped and realized that despite all your faults and no matter how much you frustrated me I loved every minute of it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
One last thing. The new girl who bought Susan’s house seems real nice, although she acts like she might have a secret or two. Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of it and tell you all about when we get together again. We are getting together again right?
Goodbye Bree, Lynette, Gabrielle and Susan. It’s been a great ride.
Follow me on Twitter @omgneal
- REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “Making the Connection”
- REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “A Humiliating Business”
- REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “The Lies-Ill Concealed”
- REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “Sorry, Grateful”
- Catching Up With Desperate Housewives