It’s been a while since I’ve taken a stroll down Wisteria Lane. For that I apologize. Work and life and other dramas got in the way for a while and then I realized just how depressed I was over hot mess that has been the final season of Desperate Housewives. Between Bree’s whore of Babylon phase and the Ben/Mike/Renee mafia subplot I just threw my hands up in despair and wept. But this is the final season and I can’t let the ladies of Fairview sip that last cup of coffee together without some sort of commentary. They are practically my neighbors too! I certainly know them better than I know my real neighbors. There are at least one or two people left who still care right? Hello? Is this thing on?

Anyway, grab a latte’ and one of Bree’s delicious muffins let’s catch up a bit. A lot has happened since the winter hiatus and I’ll try not to be too long winded. Bree’s cop boyfriend Chuck turned out to be a jerk who didn’t take kindly to being dumped and wound up run over by a jealous scheming Orson (Kyle McLachlan). Susan’s guilt over the cover up of Alejandro’s death got the best of her and she went to Oklahoma to visit his wife where she learned he was diddling his step daughter and suddenly she didn’t feel so bad about burying him in the woods. Then Julie (Andrea Bowen) shows up pregnant with Porter Scavo’s baby and all hell broke loose for an episode or two while Lynette and Susan coped with being grandmothers. Then we had Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira) in rehab Mrs. McCluskey’s cancer which I’m certain will result in a scene of her in hospice surrounded by weepy neighbors and I’m not sure I can take it. Kathryn Joosten is great but her character’s death on The West Wing tore my soul out and I can’t take another one. My heart just can’t handle it!

And in the middle of all this they kill Mike Delfino (James Denton) in a mob hit! A MOB HIT! ON WISTERIA LANE! Mike was the only man left on Wisteria Lane still willing to walk around with his shirt off. In last week’s episode “Lost My Power” we see Susan (Teri Hatcher) trying to be both mother and father to MJ without much success. Her awesome soapbox derby car was decidedly un-Susan-like in its lack of flaws but MJ wasn’t impressed. Apparently being the only kid at school without a Dad is weighing heavily on him. Susan does the right thing and calls in reinforcements in the form of Tom (Doug Savant), Ben (Charles Mesure), Bob (Tuc Watkins) and Lee (Kevin Rahm) and steps back to let MJ bond with his surrogate dads.

The most compelling thing to come out of season eight so far has been the destruction of Lynette (Felicity Huffman) and Tom’s marriage. Watching Lynette come to terms with the sort of partner she is only to repeat the same cycles again and again is heartbreaking. I’ve said in the past that I didn’t understand why Tom put up with the way she manipulates him but I have to say I’m hoping that those two crazy kids work it out before the finale, or at least leave us with the promise that they are going to try. I don’t like Tom’s new girlfriend Jane at ALL but the writers are making sure I don’t sympathize with her.

In “Power” Lynette stops playing Miss Nice Guy and lets her anger and jealousies get the best of her when Tom’s sleazy boss hits on her and offers to make Tom’s life hell. The delight she takes in seeing Tom’s relationship with Jane crumbling was classic Lynette, and I can’t say I blame her for feeling that way. But I don’t think she expected Tom to get transferred to Mumbai. I suspect a final declaration of love is in the cards for these two before the finale wraps up, and maybe even a Lynette/Jane catfight.
As the show winds down to a close the big question is will Bree (Marcia Cross) wind up taking the fall for the death of Gabby’s pedophiliac rapist stepfather. After all it was Carlos who killed the rapist in the living room with the candlestick at the end of last season, but it was Bree who suggested they cover it up. And now she’s on trial for murder thanks to a fingerprint on Alejandro’s shirt and no one seems too concerned about it. Well, no one but Bree. Thankfully she has a kickass lawyer named Trip Weston.

The people who should be the most worried about Bree’s legal situation is Carlos and Gabby (Eva Longoria), but we know Gabby too well and her mind is on more important things like clothes. One of my big complaints about the arc Desperate Housewives has taken over these eight years is the lack of growth in some of the characters, Gabby being the worst offender. She showed some promise after her kids were born and they dropped a few rungs on the income ladder but she is back to her old self again. Carlos on the other hand has evolved over the years and has probably shown the most growth of anyone on the show. So to see Gabby doing everything she can to undermine that is frustrating. I suppose at this point, with only the finale left I should stop worrying about it right? Not everyone learns from mistakes.

In “Lost My Power” Gabby sabotages a big donor to the non-profit Carlos now works for so she can keep her as a customer at the clothing store, making sure Carlos understands that she is bored with the “Carlos of Nazareth act”. ZING! When Carlos gets down about it she reminds him that he’s never going to change and should just embrace his ruthless nature. I really expected him to call her out on this but he kept quiet. I guess we’ll find out how he feels about this in the finale next week.

Hiding somewhere in the middle of all this is poor Renee who never really got a fair shake on Wisteria Lane. As the clock ticks down she is consumed with planning her wedding to Ben complete with dyed poodles and fireworks. And when Ben is called to testify in Bree’s trial she decides to speed up the process so she won’t have to testify against him thanks to some law about wives not being forced to testify against their husbands. I really don’t know what the finale has in store for these two.

It all ends next Sunday in the two-hour series finale. I have tried to stay away from spoilers but I do know that a whole mess of past cast members are making an appearance, even the dead ones. Maybe there will be a Return of the Jedi-esque moment where the girls stare off down the lane to see Mary Alice Young, Martha Huber, Beth Young, Karl Mayer and Felicia Tilman, Edie Brit and Patrick Logan all waving and smiling. Sadly the feud between Marc Cherry and Nicolette Sheridan probably means Edie won’t be there, but I can hope right? One thing I can guarantee is that tissue will be needed.
Check out this preview of the finale. Don’t worry it’s not too spoilery.

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