Accidental Sexiness

REVIEW: Glee “On My Way”

February 22, 2012 By Neal Leave a Comment

This week’s Glee reminded me of all this terrible after school specials from the 1970s only this was so much worse. All the current hot-button issues facing todays teens were beat over the head with baseball bats and smeared on stale melba toast. Teen suicide? Check! Texting while driving? Check! Vicious gay bullying? Check! Foolish and lovestruck kids getting married too young? Check! Geriatric pregnancy? Check! And it was awful. Really awful. So very very awful. I’ll try to be brief.

It goes without saying that the messages Glee tried so very hard to get across this week are important ones. I’ve suspected Dave Karofsky was headed for some sort of dramatic unravelling for a while now. I figured he’d get gay bashed or something to be honest and Kurt would help nurse him back to help. I was partially right. He did get bullied by his teammmates which he sort of had coming I guess. Wait, I take that back. No one ever has that coming. Still, I could see why they took him there. But when he laid his suit on the bed and pulled out his belt while Blaine sang that song about cough suppressants I came very close to turning the television off. How could they get this so wrong?

Glee has handled drama pretty well in the past. The whole Kurt/Dave bully storyline was masterfully done. But this was just horrid. That being said, Max Adler and Chris Colfer did a wonderful job with what they were given to work with. Their scene together in the hospital was the best thing about the whole episode and I’m very glad that Dave survived his suicide attempt.

And while we are on the subject of bullys…can we just be done with Sebastian? I get that the show needs a villain now that Sue is knocked up and overrun with hormonal changes but Sebastian is hardly worthy. He’s a boring villain and a boring singer, and now he’s not even a villain any more. After threatening to upload fake photoshop porn of Finn and sending Dave over the edge with his Liberace comment at Scandals he has seen the error of his ways and now wants to raise money for the Born This Way Foundation. Bravo for some growth there but wow…just bad writing folks. Bad bad bad.

The one happy note this week was the wedding of Finnchel. After Dave’s brush with death the New Directions are faced with their mortality and after a poor attempt by Mr. Schue to inspire them with peanut butter Rachel decides she no longer wants to wait to be Mrs. Finn Hudson. They decided to tie the knot at City Hall after Regionals and they hope everyone will be there. Sure their parents are still against it and as they gather before the ceremony Rachel’s dads come up with some clever ideas about how to pull the plug. Meanwhile Quinn is racing home to get the bridesmaids dress she didn’t have immediately before Regionals when she hadn’t made up her mind about attending and she gets distracted by her cell phone and happy thoughts about her triumphant return to the Cheerios and kicking ass at Yale. You can guess what happens next.

Right. Okay then. Glee…you are on thin ice. VERY THIN. This mid-season finale was just repulsive in every way. Even the music was bad…or maybe I was just so mad I didn’t notice it.

Filed Under: Television Tagged With: Chris Colfer, cory monteith, glee, lea michele, max adler

REVIEW: Glee “Heart”

February 15, 2012 By Neal 3 Comments

Who would have thought that Rachel’s two dads could breathe so much wonderful gay life into the gayest show on television? Glee has really been struggling this year. The music has been boring for the most part and at least half the time I find myself not caring at all about what’s going on. There have been bright spots and Rachel’s dads are by far the brightest.

This week was all about Finnchel’s upcoming nuptials and how most rational people don’t think it’s a good idea. Imagine their surprise when Rachel’s dads Leroy (Brian Stokes Mitchell) and Hiram (Jeff Goldblum) as well as the Hudson-Hummels embrace the idea fully and join together for a family dinner to celebrate. Too good to be true right? Right. The whole thing is a ruse to force Finn (Cory Monteith) and Rachel (Lea Michele) to face the realities of what they are about to do. I really loved the conversation between Hiram and Burt about lube! After dessert they sent Finnchel upstairs for the “teenage lovemaking”. It was a clever ruse on their part, and we all know the gays are known for their cleverness, but the whole thing backfired and now Finn and Rachel are even more intent on heading to the Chapel of Love.

So what else went on? Mercedes (Amber Riley) gave Sam (Chord Overstreet) and Shane the boot and feels so guilt about her whoring ways that she formed The God Squad. Her little chastity club consists of Quinn (Dianna Agron), Sam and new kid/Glee Project alum Teenage Jesus (Samuel Larson). He wears sandals and looks like he might smell bad, but he has a really nice voice. The God Squad decides to make some extra cash singing Valentines messages to the students of McKinley. They find their first customer in Finn who orders a big courtyard production of Stereo Hearts for Rachel. Mercedes delivers her own Valentine message with a wonderful and remarkably poignant version of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You“. Rest in peace Whitney!

Also looking for some love is Santana (Naya Rivera) who finds her attempts to show Brittany (Heather Morris) any affection thwarted by Principal Figgins. The moment he bellowed “TEENAGE LESBIANS!” in the school hallway was my favorite of the show I think. I plan to wander the halls of my office today shouting it as well. Santana eventually hits up the God Squad for a song and Brittany gets her Valentine song, a mashup of “Cherish” by The Association and “Cherish” by Madonna.

Rory (Damian McGinty) got some air time this week as he had a montage-battle with Artie (Kevin McHale) for the affections of the tonally challenged Sugar (Vanessa Lengies). Rory’s speaking voice and Rory’s singing voice seem to come from two different people and I like both of them. He won Sugar’s attention with a soulful, puppy-eyed version of Michael Buble’s “Home” but it looks like he might have lied just a teeny bit about being sent back to Ireland. Bad form Rory. Bad form indeed. Artie’s “Let Me Love You” was a treat as well.

The big surprise this week was the reveal of Kurt’s secret admirer. He had assumed it was Blaine the whole time even though everyone with opposable thumbs knew it wasn’t. I’ll admit I was stumped by who the man in the monkey suit might be until he removed the mask and I was like “OF COURSE!”. I suspected Dave Karofsky (Max Adler) had developed tinglings in his boxers for Kurt when they ran into each other at that tacky gay bar a few episodes back and it was nice to see Dave again. Is he looking cuter than before or is it just me? Anyway, Kurt shot him down as nicely as he could but Dave didn’t take it well. I suspect this isn’t the last we’ll hear of it. Blaine finally did show up to sing “Love Shack” with the crew. Maybe he’s back from his Broadway hiatus now.

Between Rachel’s gay dads, Karofsky’s baby steps out of the closet, Santana’s stand against double standards for hallway smooching and The God Squad’s debate on homosexuality and religion this could have easily been preachy episode. Instead I thought it was all handled rather well. Hiram and Leroy were not over the top as they easily could have been. I worried that these two would end up being more like Armand and Albert Goldman from The Birdcage and that would have been a tad too cliche. The music was pretty good too with Mercedes’ Whitney number being the stand out for me. Mike and Tina’s “L.O.V.E” was very nice too.

Next week is the winter finale and REGIONALS! Who do you think will win? McKinley or Dalton?

Filed Under: Television Tagged With: Amber Riley, Chord Overstreet, Chris Colfer, cory monteith, dianna agron, glee, Heather Morris, lea michele, Naya Rivera

REVIEW: Glee “The Spanish Teacher”

February 8, 2012 By Neal Leave a Comment

Hola Gleeks! Nothing makes me happier than entitled American people butchering other languages resulting in hilarious nonsensical translations and this week’s Glee was mui completo of it. When a tenure position opens up at McKinley the race is on to secure the coveted position. Sadly Mr. Schue is on the bottom of the pile due to his complete and utter lack of a grasp on the spanish language which happens to be the subject he teaches. Oh had you forgotten that too? I thought I was the only one. Seems to me that he spends 100% of his time in the choir room but I could be wrong. Anyway, he signs up for a night class to learn some Spanish and ends up meeting his Latin Fairy Godfather…David Martinez (Ricky Martin).

Before the cast names have stopped flashing on the screen Schue (Matthew Morrison) has invited David and his bon bon to sing for the Glee club and teach them what it means to sing with duende and spins a horrifying tale of a future where we all speak Spanish. Horror! Mr. Martinez puts the kids at ease immediately with his tight blue jeans and his white teeth and his rapidly oscilating tush as he reminds those of us who forgot he existed just how sexy he is. Do you really want it? Oh yes.

Meanwhile outside the choir room plot is happening and this week it involves Sue (Jane Lynch) and her dusty vagina. Seems she wants to fill it with a baby and she wants a few ounces of Mr. Schue’s baby gravy so the kid will have good hair. Sue seems to have calmed down a bit this year and I like it. That doesn’t mean that we don’t get the snappy one liners anymore. They just come mostly from the coach of the McKinley Guppies, Roz Washington (NeNe Leakes). Color me sorprendido but I actually dig NeNe as the sassy Roz. She may be the most annoying Real Housewife on television but get her away from Kim and Sheree and give her a script and she’s actually quite funny. And let’s not forget that when she enters a room she OWNS IT. Her delivery is a little stiff from time to time but she got all the good lines this week. Roz is making a move on Sue’s job and she’s relentless.

It wouldn’t be Glee without a hot mess of unresolved relationship drama and this week it was mostly about Mercedes (Amber Riley) trying to figure out if she really likes hot blond muscular trouty mouth Sam (Chord Overstreet) or that tank of a man she wanders the hall with. Emma (Jayma Mays) suggests they not speak for a week to determine their true feelings. I wonder if they’ll find another way to communicate? A way that involves music?

In other unresolved relationship drama news the word is out about Rachel (Lea Michele) and Finn’s (Cory Monteith) engagement and no one is happy about it. It’s Kurt (Chris Colfer) that throws the biggest monkey wrench in the works with his locker room pep talk so it’s anyone’s guess how that will play out. Will and Emma have a minor tiff after Will is a supreme douchebag to her, but in the end the make up nice and make kissy faces.

So how was the music? I’m glad you asked. Ricky Martin dominated this episode with two performances, “I’m Sexy and I Know It” and “La Isla Bonita” with Santana and both will find their way to my iPod soon. “Bonita” is probably my least favorite Madonna track but they killed it. I think it was Ricky’s oscillating tush that put it over the edge. Mercedes made her feelings for Trouty Mouth known with a Spanish version of Gloria Estefan’s “Don’t Wanna Lose You Now” and Sam returned the favor with “Bamboleo / Hero“. It was Mr. Schue’s horrific rendition of “A Little Less Conversation” while dressed as a matador that really made the hour special. Kudos to Santana for calling him out on his embarrassing stereotypes.

Despite the treasure trove of one-liners from NeNe Leakes this week my favorite quote goes to Coach Bieste who delivered managed to cleverly work in a reference to “her little Cooter” while discussing Emma’s “Taint Misbehavin” educational pamphlet about how to properly clean one’s genitals. Well played Bieste. Well played. Next week it is Valentines Day and I’m betting there will be some tears.

What say you Gleeks? Should Ricky Martin shake his bon bon across the choir room again this season or is he terminado?

Filed Under: Television Tagged With: Chris Colfer, cory monteith, glee, Jane Lynch, Jayma Mays, lea michele, matthew morrison

REVIEW: Glee “Extraordinary Merry Christmas”

December 16, 2011 By Neal Leave a Comment

The holidays have me busier than usual this year so I didn’t get a chance to polish my yule log and catch Glee’s “Extraordinary Merry Christmas” until later in the week. I can be a bit unfair to Christmas themed episodes due to the fact that I find Christmas music to be extraordinarily very tedious. Call me a Scrooge if you must but I did try very hard to not let my unmerry tendencies influence my enjoyment of this episode.

There was very little in the way of plot this week and based on what did seep through it was probably a good thing. It became obvious early on that Sue’s doctor has adjusted the dosage on her meds because she was so full of love and cheer that I expected her to ride down the street on the back of a reindeer throwing candy canes. I enjoy sweet Sue and wish we saw more of her. Long gone are the days when we were treated to heartwarming scenes between Sue and her sister. It’s time to give Sue a life outside of McKinley that does not involve being horrible to everyone.

This year her cause is bringing joy and cheer to the local homeless shelter and she enlists the help of New Directions to provide some Christmas music. The kids agree but quickly ditch Sue (Jane Lynch) in favor of local stardom and fame when offered their own basic cable Christmas special. And with a budget of $800 they manage to serve up a glossy 1960s Christmas full of lame (on purpose) jokes and lots of innuendo. The special-within-a-special was pretty fun actually and they could have salvaged the episode by taking us out of reality completely and devoting the entire hour to this black and white wonderland.

The episode was merry enough, and did remind me a bit of those terrible yet mesmerizing Christmas specials from my childhood that often featured unlikely duets such as Perry Como and Charo doing songs like “Have a Hoochie Coochie Holiday”. When thought of as just a standalone special it sort of works. But with all the lesbian drama and Sam (Chord Overstreet) being away from his family I think they really missed a chance to give us a heartfelt and emotional hour of television about the true meaning of the season. Instead we got a half-cocked sub plot about Rachel (Lea Michele) being selfish (SURPRISE) and learning that Christmas is about giving not receiving. YAWN. Give me Charlie Brown and his sad little tree any day over that mess.

The music was not awful, and that’s good because there was a lot of it. Mercedes (Amber Riley) kicked things off with “All I Want for Christmas Is You” and the songs came fast and furious, including “Blue Christmas” (Rory), “River” (Rachel) and the new track “Extraordinary Merry Christmas” (Blaine & Rachel). The title track was the best one of the lot actually. River was just painful but I think that’s because Tori Amos did that song at her Atlanta show back in November and well…sorry Rachel but she blew your maudlin warbling out of the water.

The TV special contained its own set of songs: “Let It Snow” (Blaine & Kurt), “My Favorite Things” (Mercedes, Rachel, Kurt & Blaine), “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Finn & Puck), “Christmas Wrapping” (The Cheerios) and “Do They Know It’s Christmas” (Everyone). None of them really stood out for me but I wasn’t wincing in pain either so let’s hear it for Christmas miracles.

That’s it for Glee in 2011. Let’s hope Ryan Murphy and team come back in 2012 with a fiery hot whirlwind of awesome episodes.

Filed Under: Television Tagged With: Amber Riley, Chris Colfer, cory monteith, Darren Criss, glee, Jane Lynch, lea michele, Naya Rivera

REVIEW: Glee “Hold On To Sixteen”

December 7, 2011 By Neal Leave a Comment

It is Sectionals time on Glee! Again! And once again New Directions is woefully unprepared thanks to Rachel’s political shenanigans which landed her with a suspension. Never fear because Finn (Cory Monteith) has the answer and it begins with an S and rhymes with BAM! Thanks to Facebook Finn has tracked Trouty Mouth down to rural Kentucky where he’s working as a male stripper named White Chocolate and rescues him from predatory cougars. Sam (Chord Overstreet) is welcomed back into the fold with open arms and immediately ruins it by singing a horrible horrible Toby Keith song called Red Solo Cup. Why oh why didn’t he sing “Jack and Diane” instead which would have made so much sense given the title of this episode and been much less embarassing? Oh well. Blaine (Darren Criss) isn’t as thrilled with Sam’s attempts to sex up the New Directions and has a mini meltdown in front of everyone. Finn finds him playing Fight Club and they make peace finally.

Quinn (Dianna Agron) still thinks winning Glee club competitions is the answer to all of life’s problems and will help her get the daughter she didn’t want back from that evil Shelby (Idina Menzel). Armed with the knowledge that Puck (Mark Salling) is currently “cleaning her pool” Quinn intends to tell Principal Figgins and have her fired before sectionals. Rachel (Lea Michele) of all people is the one who talks her down with a speech about how doing the wrong thing doesn’t feel that great. Then Shelby tells her a sad story about growing old and suddenly psychotic Quinn is gone and we have old Quinn back, and praise the baby Jesus cause that shit was getting old.

Kurt (Chris Colfer) and Blaine find themselves ambushed by supreme douche bag Sebastian Warbler at the local coffee house and war is declared over the love and affection of Blaine. I hate Sebastian and not just because he threatens to break up televisions most adorable couple. Sebastian exists only because the writers don’t have the sense to let Kurt release the Kraken on this loser and instead force him to be nice to this guy for no good reason. Whose feelings is he trying to spare here? Blaine couldn’t give two shits about this Warbler and is too naive to see that the guy is about to get all up in his business. I hardly believe that a guy who lost his shit because Sam introduced sexy-time body rolls to the New Directions dance repertoire would be easily coerced into meaningless sex with a troll like Sebastian, and if he were then well it would surely be the End of Days. And can we talk about Kurt’s wardrobe for a moment? This week wasn’t so bad but that wool cape he wore last week looked like something Joan Crawford wore in Mildred Pierce. Seriously!

The After School Special portion of the hour concerned the ongoing battle of dreams between Mike Chang (Harry Shum Jr) and his father. This week Tina intervened and managed to get Mr. Chang to rethink his old Asian ways a bit. Mike just wants to dance after all! And who cares if the life of a dance is full of rejection and heartache? Mr. Chang eventually comes around but it’s too late for Mike to apply to the best dance schools. Or is it? Tina to the rescue!

Oh right. Sectionals. I’m about to make some enemies here because with very few exceptions this season of Glee has really disappointed me with the music. A quick look at my iTunes illustrates this point very well. During season one I downloaded 120 tracks of pure glee awesomeness. Season two only provided 64 songs I cared to relive and so far out of 44 tracks released for season 3 I can only bear to relive 12 of them. And it’s not that the music is bad, it’s just gotten so flat and uninspired and this episode didn’t help. “Man in the Mirror” was great, and “Buenos Aires” was agreeable enough but the rest was just bleh. “I Will Survive”? Really? The mash up with “Survivor” might have helped if the whole thing hadn’t been so…I dunno….tame. The problem seemed to mostly be with the musical arrangement and not with the vocals so don’t think I’m dissing Santana or Mercedes singing here. It was just boring. I did enjoy “ABC” a lot but “Control” sent me to the kitchen looking for snacks. I had never heard “We Are Young” before so I can’t really compare, but I wasn’t rushing to ITunes looking for it after either. The best part of it was seeing the group together again. What does this mean for Shelby? Will the Trouble Tones continue without their powerhouse leads or will she vanish into the subplots like poor Emma Pillsbury? Also does anything think it’s weird that the fact Shelby is Rachel’s mother has completely been dropped? I mean she slept with Puck who ALSO diddled around with Rachel and that is fodder for at least one or two angst filled moments. And where are Rachel’s gay dads? Talk about a missed opportunity!

New Directions seemed destined to win sectionals this year if for no other reason than they got three full length performances instead of just the one song for the other two teams. Unitards? No better names lying around huh? Anyway, after the ego trip that begat the Trouble Tones to begin with I was happy to see their attitudes checked in a big way. And boring music aside I did enjoy the episode even if the general message seemed to be that stripping, while emotionally unfulfilling, is a bang up way to earn some extra cash in this crappy economy. Next week is the inevitable Christmas episode and I’ll go ahead and warn you now…I despise Christmas music. The preview looks promising though.

Filed Under: Television Tagged With: Chris Colfer, cory monteith, Darren Criss, dianna agron, glee, lea michele, Mark Salling

REVIEW: Glee “Mash-off”

November 16, 2011 By Neal 2 Comments

Fall means many things. It means rain in Atlanta, Christmas trees are going up at Wal-Mart and Glee is smushing perfectly good songs together into weird and ill-placed mash ups. Season Three has been no picnic. Tonally it is all over the place and Sue sylvester is wearing on my nerves. And while I am in favor of any storyline that involves Puck (Mark Salling) being sexy I don’t see where this Bermuda Triangle of fail concerning Puck, Shelby and Quinn with poor Baby Beth stuck in the middle is headed. Won’t someone think of the children?

“Mash-off” pits the rival glee clubs against one another in a friendly sing-off that Schue (Matthew Morrison) and Shelby (Idina Menzel) hope will restore the peace. But this little project is anything but friendly. The contest hasn’t even begun before Santana (Naya Rivera) starts hurling insults at Finn (Cory Monteith). Her motives are not entirely clear here and frankly she’s acting like a crazy person. I think the intent was to trash talk New Directions until they ran away whimpering but hurling fat jokes at someone who is neither fat nor has any body issues to begin with is just stupid. Even the other Troubletones thought it was lame. Who are those other girls anyway? Do they have names? Finn reacts as you would expect and hurls a few lame insults back at her that fall pretty flat. Santana is quick to remind us that her childhood was an experiment in neglect and terror and his insults can’t harm her. His next idea is even more confusing. Dodge ball? Really? Violence is always the answer when singing doesn’t work right?

The dodge ball match was a slaughter with the TroubleTones coming out on top, and ending in an all out assault on poor Rory (Damian McGinty) who ends up bloodied and whimpering on the gym floor. Imagine the stories he will tell his friends back home after his time in America is over. It is a horrible activity for school that I had blocked from my memory because I was never very good at it. When you are over six foot tall in the 9th grade you end up with a lot of exposed skin for the red ball to connect with but this isn’t about me. The spectacle gives Kurt (Chris Colfer) and idea for a worthy cause to base his campaign for senior class president on so I guess some good came out of it.

This race for president is perplexing to me. Shouldn’t this issue have been resolved like the first month of school and not a week before the holiday break? And who is that weird guy with the epic mullet? He gives me nightmares and I hope he vanishes into the sea of letter-jacket wearing extras soon. Rachel (Lea Michele) surprised no one but Kurt by dropping out of the race after she has a moment of clarity while discussing college with Shelby and thus begins the transition from bitchy Rachel to adorable Rachel for the second half of the season. Kurt has this president thing in the bag.

Let’s not forget the race for Congress between Sue (Jane Lynch) and Burt Hummel (Mike O’Malley) that serves no purpose other than providing a nice clean exit strategy for Burt and Carol at the end of this season. I realize Glee doesn’t exactly operate on any realm of reality but this subplot isn’t worthy of Saved By The Bell much less a flashy network show like Glee. Let’s hope it is resolved before the Christmas break. I don’t want to spend 2012 watching Sue and Burt debate anything. Mr. Belding for Congress!

Back to the angry lesbian. Teenagers are evil spiteful basement dwellers so when Finn called Santana out publicly for not coming out I wasn’t surprised. That doesn’t mean I agree with it. Outing someone is never cool and I hope that they make that point clearly and not send the message that it is a valid weapon in the war we call high school. Finn certainly seemed clueless about the impact of his statement and I can’t really hate on Santana for slapping him. I can’t really hate on Finn either because he doesn’t have a spiteful bone in his body. It was a mistake and one that will have repercussions. Kudos for Mr Schue, Burt and Sue coming to her aid when the mysterious other candidate uses the info against Sue in a campaign ad. Compassionate Sue always comes out of left field and surprises me. I wish she’d hang around more.

Also getting called out this week was Quinn (Dianna Agron) who is only slightly less evil and vindictive than Santana. I’m glad Puck came clean to Shelby about their plot to take back Baby Beth even if his motives were a bit creepy. This is another subplot that needs to be wrapped up post haste. Glee seems to be on a mission to make us hate all the girls at once this year. The only one not being horrible is Brittany (Heather Morris) but I’m sure I can find some reason to get mad at her if I think about it long enough.

The music was actually pretty good this week which is a nice change. I wasn’t nuts about Puck’s Van Halen tribute “Hot For Teacher” and I didn’t like Schue and Shelby’s “You and I” mash up until the second listen. As a child of the 80s I was really diggin the Pat Benatar/Blondie “Hit Me With Your Best Shot/One Way Or Another” and Hall and Oates “I Can’t Go For That/Dreams“. Who doesn’t love Hall & Oates? And who doesn’t love Puck, Finn, Artie and Rory with pornstache? The double dose of Adele at the end with “Rumor Has It/Someone Like You” was well done and expected given that you can’t turn around these days without Adele providing the soundtrack. I did think the transition from Santana running from Sue’s office in tears immediately to the stage to sing was a bit weird. Someone needs to have a chat with the editor. And would someone PLEASE give Blaine some pants that fit! I am tired of looking at his ankles.

Glee is on break for Turkey Day and won’t be back for two weeks. But when it does return we have a fine, fresh fierce Katy Perry cover to look forward to, and you’ll like it.

Filed Under: Television Tagged With: Amber Riley, Chris Colfer, Darren Criss, dianna agron, glee, Heather Morris, Jane Lynch, Jayma Mays, Kevin McHale, lea michele, Mark Salling, matthew morrison

REVIEW: Glee “The First Time”

November 9, 2011 By Neal Leave a Comment

When I heard the kids at McKinley were getting their groove on this week on Glee I flashed back to the “Like a Virgin” number from season one and wondered which Rihanna song they would use to vocally violate each other. The cynical me was assuming that somehow they would screw this up. Instead Team Glee treated us to a solid hour of television about teen sex that was neither gratuitous nor tawdry but still managed to upset one or two concernstipated conservative groups. Well done Glee for taking something that could have been a mess of bad porn dialogue and clumsy foreplay montages and turning out something respectable and downright sweet.

The hormonal pot at McKinley is stirred when Artie suggests that Rachel “Put A Berry on Top” Berry (Lea Michele) and Blaine “Sex on a Stick” Anderson cannot possibly convey the emotions required to play Maria and Tony in West Side Story if they haven’t had sex. I could totally buy into Rachel’s untarnished chastity but Blaine can fornicate with a glance and the poor boy just can’t help it. The fact that he seems so clueless about it just makes him sexier and demonstrates what a talent Darren Criss is.

Faced with this new information about how she can improve her performance Rachel leaps into action and directly onto lanky and clumsy Finn (Cory Monteith) whom she plans to violate before opening night. Blaine seems a bit more perplexed by the situation until he meets resident rogue and sexual predator Sebastian Smythe (Grant Gustin) who is the newest Warbler and wears the navy blue blazer well. Sebastian is a bit of a cad and reminds me a lot of another famous Sebastian of the Manhattan Valmonts who was also devastatingly attractive and morally loose. Sebastian makes a play for Blaine and invites him out to the local gay bar Scandals.

Oh Scandals. Kudos to Glee for getting the small town gay bar so very very right. Atlanta is not really a small town but we have bars exactly like that, ones I used to hang out in quite a bit back in the 90s (Buddies I’m looking at YOU). It was nice to see a gay bar portrayed as something other than a bath house for Abercrombie models with coke addictions for a change. I do wish Kurt had struck up a conversation with the Cher drag queen though. Oh missed opportunities.

Back to the sex. Typically on Glee when fornication is involved things go horribly wrong so when Rachel reveals she decided to give Finn her precious flower to help her acting it was no shock that he responded badly. A drunk Blaine doesn’t fair much better after a night of dancing at Scandals. Poor Sebastian’s plan backfired a bit and sent Blaine running into Kurt’s pants at the end of the night, but when Blaine tries to manhandle Kurt in the car he gets rebuffed and storms off. All this drama was juxtaposed with thoughtfully performed songs from West Side Story, a musical I’ve never really cared for and am not afraid to admit it. Revoke my Gay Card if you must. The interest rate is too high anyway.

The kids weren’t the only ones getting lucky this week though. In one of the weirder subplots we’ve seen on Glee Artie (Kevin McHale) counsels Coach Bieste on her love life and after a pep talk with the hunky coach Cooter from Ohio State he manages to get the two out on a date. I love that Coach Bieste (Dot Marie Jones) is getting some hunky love but the scenario with Artie was just a bit too weird for me. I enjoyed his insecurity about directing to be more compelling by far and his speech about being in a wheelchair was very touching.

Opening night comes and goes with everyone still a virgin, but it isn’t long before the fire in their loins erupts and our favorite McKinley virgins take that very after-school-special next step toward adulthood complete with soft lighting and creative camera angles. When Rachel and Blaine take to the stage for their post-coital performance they are positively glowing with sexual awareness. This pivotal episode stumbled a bit here and there but overall it was good stuff and there was plenty of drama. I really felt for Finn when he had his meltdown after being told his football career was ending in high school. Cory Monteith did a fine job conveying Finn’s sense of hopelessness knowing that Rachel is destined for a bright career on Broadway and he feels his options are gone. Her response that his “dreams are not dead, he just outgrew them” was perfect. And I enjoyed the closure that came with Kurt’s encounter with his former nemesis and newly hatched bear cub Dave Karofsky at Scandals. I hope that isn’t the last we see of Max Adler. The confrontation between Mike Chang (Harry Shum Jr) and his father before opening night seemed a bit out of place though. I get that they needed to explain his Dad’s reaction but it felt a bit like a scene they couldn’t find a place for.

What about the music? I’ve said before West Side Story isn’t one of my favorites but there are some decent songs from it. Blaine and Rachel’s “Tonight” is decent enough given it was performed before their sexual awakening. The Warblers had some fun with Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” but without Blaine on lead it lacked something. The choreography was tight though. The real treat this week was Santana who made “A Boy Like That” and “America” her bitches. Rachel and Blaine rounded out the hour with “One Hand, One Heart” over the foreplay montage.

It is very annoying that this episode is treated as something so controversial and polarizing when teens are having sex on TV all the time in other shows that no one seems to get upset about. I suspect the fact that Glee does pull in a bit younger demographic than they really intended to has something to do with it, but I think the larger issue with concernstipated conservatives is not so much that teens are having sex on Glee but that gay teens are. No one seems at all upset that Puck routinely sleeps with older women while cleaning their pools.

Next week it appears Glee is diving headlong into the rival glee club drama and Puck is making his move on Shelby.