This week on House Hunters: Texas that big white ranch called Southfork finally got a new owner, and it wasn’t who anyone was expecting. And now poor Ann had to unpack everything she packed up last week because Bobby isn’t going anywhere and he’s pissed! Dallas continues to surprise me while at the same time feeling enough like the old show to make me feel all tingly inside. They’ve covered in five episodes more drama and lies and scandal and barbecues than it would have taken a full season to cover in the 80s. Dallas 2012 moves fast so pay attention, and if you enjoy drinking games then I suggest taking a shot every time someone utters the phrase “birth right”.

This week picked up right where we left off with a teary eyed Rebecca (Julie Gonzalo) spilling her guts to Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) about all the mischief she has been up to with her “brother” Tommy. I am still not convinced those two are actually siblings, but I could just be paranoid. She tells Christopher that Tommy sent the email that broke he and Elena (Jordana Brewster) up which doesn’t sit too well with him. He then stomps off and adds some excitement to the world’s most boring barbecue by punching Tommy in the face and speeding off in his sensible yet sexy Tesla. Bobby (Patrick Duffy) wastes no time in throwing the conniving duo off the ranch, but this won’t be the end of Rebecca. I smell a bun in the oven. Christopher wastes no time in kicking her out of his life and before too long he has hit the bottle and is banging on Elena’s door. I would have never guessed that Christopher would end up being the drunk in this family. He’s more Ewing than he realizes. At least he had enough sense not to show Elena the sex tape of Marta and John Ross.

The big news this week was JR’s takeover of Southfork Ranch. JR (Larry Hagman) played that perfectly and made things even more complicated by putting John Ross (Josh Henderson) in charge and then skipping town in typical JR fashion via a helicopter at Cowboy’s stadium after having his face blasted on the jumbotron. Go Cowboys! Get that homerun, or goal or whatever! Can you tell I don’t follow sports? Shocking I know. It is worth mentioning that when I was a small child I fancied myself a Cowboys fan because they had glamorous cheerleaders and it angered my Atlanta Falcon’s fan mother just a little bit. Dallas is in my BLOOD people!

So now John Ross is in charge and he doesn’t look like he has a clue what to do. JR did say he was going to throw him in the deep end just like Jock did to him and see if he can swim. But Christopher has enough info on him to send him to jail if he doesn’t come clean about the fraudulent sale of the ranch. Imagine how pissed JR would be if he came home from his little vacation to find that all his hard work has been undone by his son. At least he has Elena for comfort.

Another interesting development this week was the tense meeting between Bobby’s wife Ann (Brenda Strong) and her creepy ex-husband played by Mitch Pileggi! Welcome aboard Agent Skinner! Something nasty went down between those two and I have no doubt we will find out exactly what before too long. Also Ann looked SMOKIN in those tight jeans and high heels. She did get him to agree to pull his oil trucks off Southfork in order to delay the drilling until Bobby can figure out how to fix things.

Another week and the stakes continue to get higher and higher, and the good news is that Dallas has been picked up for a second season! What did you guys think?

It is almost moving day at Southfork and Bobby (Patrick Duffy) has left his poor wife Ann (Brenda Strong) to not only pack that entire house into six boxes but also plan the last barbecue on the ranch…the “Last Hurrah” if you will. “Everyone who has ever set foot on Southfork” will be there and it’s up to Ann and Carmen to throw it together on this week’s episode of Dallas. You can bet this means a cameo or two from some old cast members. I get a little spoilerish below so proceed at your own risk.

All the alliances and plots that we saw in the premiere are starting to fall apart. JR (Larry Hagman) took the snow globe that contains Dallas and shook it. Now it is anybody’s guess where the flakes will fall, and by flake I do mean The Pill-popper Formerly Known as Marta. John Ross is about to learn just how hot that mess is now that he has betrayed her by spraying his hose at Elena. Her real name is Veronica and she is…prepare yourself for it…BIPOLAR! (cue music). This means of course that she could go off at any moment because we all know bipolar people are CRAZY and untreatable! Expect to see her on the roof of the barn with a rifle soon.

JR’s return to his old self from the near comatose state we first saw him in just two episodes ago is a wonder to behold. What was he doing up in that nursing home anyway? Had someone removed his batteries? He looked like he was one bowl of Jello away from death until John Ross (Josh Henderson) walked in and told him Bobby was selling Southfork. Now he’s a steaming locomotive ready to take back his birthright and step on whoever he has to on the way. That’s how I like my JR. I really enjoyed the moment he shared with Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) in the dining room over coffee. The only thing missing there were some shoulder pads and some bourbon. Why was she asking John Ross if JR had really changed? Is she looking for a way back into that family now that Ewing Oil is on its way back to the top? If she runs for governor it could be very convenient for JR. He’ll have to deal with Cliff first.

John Ross’s attempt to deal with the blackmailing lawyer Mitch Lobell didn’t go so well and JR sends him off to track down Lobell’s son Rick (Jason London) and lure him back to his drug taking whoring ways. Taking a cue from his daddy John Ross tries to blackmail Rebecca (Julie Gonzalo) into doing it by threatening to tell Christopher her dirty secret. But Rebecca is a gentle flower and can’t go through with it. The verdict is still out on Rebecca for me. I can’t decide what to make of her. Thankfully for John Ross his second girlfriend Veronica is unstable enough to do what it takes. Poor Rick Lobell.

John Ross isn’t the only Ewing with two women enchanted by his charms. Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) is torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool after finding out that Elena (Jordana Brewster) dumped him based on an email he thinks John Ross sent. John Ross thinks Rebecca sent it and has the IP address to prove it, but she is denying it of course. On top of all that he has that methane project he’s working on, and I don’t mean the one he’ll start after he eats all that barbecue and baked beans. It was nice to see Bobby step up and offer some sound advice on love to his son even while elbow deep in a cow’s uterus. Way to multitask Bobby. You’ll need those skills when JR swoops in to take Southfork out from under you. At least Ann found Miss Ellie’s silver for you. I’d check it before you leave though. JR probably lifted a knife or two from that box when no one was looking. Unfortunately Christopher interpreted his father’s advice to “make a choice” as “be a complete douchebag to Elena” and tried to pay her off for helping him with his methane problem before sending her back to the kitchen. I suspect that little stunt will come back to haunt him.

So the big barbecue to bid one last farewell to Southfork turned out to be a bit of a letdown. I hate it that Ray and Lucy have been reduced to mere party guests so far. I know we have to make room for the new generation but I’d love to see some vintage Lucy and find out what she’s been up to. John Ross invited Elena to be his date and then showed up dressed as Han Solo. And before he got a chance to tell Christopher what his wife has been up to Rebecca stepped in and started to spill the beans…about something. We aren’t sure exactly what she says or who she blames for the email. Do you think it was really her that sent it? Or was it her brother Tommy? We’ll have to wait till next week to find out.