Marcia Cross

May 22, 2013

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Goodbye, Wisteria Lane

May 14, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Hey girls,

Neal here…you know, the other gay boy on the block. I’m glad you invited me to join your final game of poker on Wisteria Lane. I am terrible at this game but I do love my gossip and nobody dishes better than you guys. Now hand me one of Bree’s enormous muffins and let’s get to it.

It sure had been a wild eight years hasn’t it? When we first met back in 2004 that idiot Bush was about to be reelected and that cranky doctor with the drug problem started yelling and screaming over on the Fox network. Then you ladies walked into my life with all your drama and your glamour and your secrets and oh what fun we had! I have you all to thank for that nice young John Rowland wandering around with his shirt off all the time. He always made my morning cup of coffee that much more enjoyable. Gabby, you remember him don’t you?

Sorry. I shouldn’t joke about such things. What I should joke about is Renee’s hideous wedding dress. What was that mess? I’m so glad Julie Delfino spilled her uterine juices all over it and had to get a new dress from Gabby’s store. Otherwise I would have had to stage an intervention. That Ben is a cutie too right?

So this is really it huh? You are all leaving me. Well I don’t like goodbyes so I figured I would write you all a nice note and drop it in the mailbox. We Wisterians do love our mysterious notes after all. I know what you did and it makes me SICK! LOL

Bad joke. Again, my apologies Bree. You can unpucker your lips now. You always were wound pretty tight. I’ll never forget that dinner you threw where you announced to everyone that your ex-husband Rex (God rest his soul) cried after he ejaculated. I didn’t know people even used that word any more. Then there was that carpenter half your age, and that stick in the mud Orson. Whatever happened to him anyway? Oh and we can’t forget your fling with Susan’s ex-husband Carl. That was one for the record books. You certainly got around, this year especially. I confess, I called you the Whore of Babylon at least once, but I was just jealous. At least you finally found happiness with that nice lawyer Tripp and from the look of things he’s been good for you. Rumor has it you two are relocating to Louisville of all places and that you might have your eye on politics. What on earth made you pick Louisville? Oh right…the Derby. You did always love an excuse to wear a say-something hat.

I do wish your kids had been around more lately though. I figured they would at least show up to support you during your unfortunate murder trial. I’ll admit now that I’ve had some wine and my hair is down that I always had a little crush on Andrew. I do love a bad boy. He turned out okay though I think. I’m just glad you talked him out of marrying that crazy rich girl. All that is behind you now though, and thank goodness. I know Gabby appreciates the sacrifice you made for her and Carlos.

Oh Gabby, I doubt you’ve read this far but just in case…who could forget that crisis of conscience you had on the stand when Tripp called you back for more testimony in order to clear Bree’s name. You could have easily stuck to your story but you knew you had to do the right thing. Then you proved to all of us that you had truly grown when you offered to take the fall yourself instead of letting Carlos rot in prison. Nicely played Mrs. Solis. You have come a long way from that selfish diva who mowed grass in her evening gown to hide that silly affair with the gardener. But we loved that selfish diva, her fabulous clothes and her special brand of crazy. You remember when you thought a doll was your real daughter? You found your true calling though as a personal shopper this year and Carlos tells me he’s going to help you start a website. He’s good people Gabby. Hang on to that one. I see you two dancing your tango together for a long long time.

Speaking of made for each other Lynette, need I go on about how glad I am that you and Tom got back together? I know I’ve not always been your biggest fan over the years. You were pretty mean to Tom along the way. He’s such a doll too, I never understood why you weren’t happy with him. Yes I know he had a daughter you didn’t know about and I know his Dad was no picnic, but he worships the ground you walk on Lynette and I’m glad you came around and finally see that. Lord knows you’ve been through enough with the cancer and those twelve kids you have. Katherine Mayfair tells me you took a job with her up in New York. Congrats! A CEO and a grandmother! Sounds like a lot of work. I hope you don’t have to start popping those energy pills again. That really was unfortunate. Katherine also told me she’s no longer a lesbian. That’s a shame really. Anyway, I’m sure you and Tom will enjoy the city.

Susan if I know you then you practically puffed up like an angry cat when I mentioned Katherine. She did almost marry Mike after all. Heck I think everyone on the street was after Mike at one time or another. If he could resist Edie Britt’s well-worn wiles then he can resist anything. You two had a good life together though, give or take a bump or two. His loss was devastating for us all. I’m glad you and Julie are happy now though with the new baby and that handsome young doctor making the moves on her. You must be so proud. I think you two will be very happy wherever it is you are moving to. I do have to say that I really did not approve of that whole “internet porn” thing you were doing a while back. I never understood why you didn’t do something more respectable to make some money when times were tough, like writing a bestseller based loosely of course on the adventures we’ve all shared on the Lane. But what do I know?

Finally let’s raise our wine glasses in honor of those we’ve lost, especially Karen McCluskey and dear sweet troubled Mary Alice, may they rest in peace. Mary Alice never had a chance once that nosy bitch Martha Huber got wind of her secrets. And that sister of hers was no better. She got hers in the end though. And something tells me that Karen and Mary Alice will always been watching over us. Wisteria Lane kind of has that vibe, like the one’s we’ve lost are hanging around watching us, narrating our lives as we live them for their own enjoyment. I like to think so. It helps me sleep at night. So does a shot of whiskey, but let’s keep that between us.

Ladies, it has been quite a journey over these eight years. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed every minute of it but darnit I kept coming back right? I love you guys. Your my neighbors for gosh sakes and we’ve been through a lot together. Fairview just won’t be the same without you. But life goes on I suppose. Something Lynette said earlier keeps echoing in my head. Sometimes we forget we are happy and we keep looking for the next thing. I got so sick of you for at one point I was ready to move away. Seriously. But then I stopped and realized that despite all your faults and no matter how much you frustrated me I loved every minute of it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

One last thing. The new girl who bought Susan’s house seems real nice, although she acts like she might have a secret or two. Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of it and tell you all about when we get together again. We are getting together again right?

Goodbye Bree, Lynette, Gabrielle and Susan. It’s been a great ride.

Follow me on Twitter @omgneal

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REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “The People Will Hear”

May 7, 2012 by Leave a Comment

 

Fairview’s “Trial of the Century” got underway this week on Desperate Housewives and thanks to some nasty weather in Atlanta the final few minutes of the show were unwatchable. I’m certain something important happened because Trip was talking very seriously with Bree in the lobby of the courthouse but I had no audio! SHAKES FIST! Regardless of my cable woes it was a pretty decent lead in to the big series finale next week. I still can’t believe it’s over.

Bree’s (Marcia Cross) hot shot lawyer Trip Weston (Scott Bakula) has been prepping the ladies for the upcoming murder trial and while everyone seems ready to face cross examination Gabby (Eva Longoria) accidentally blurts out some vital information that piques Trip’s interest. Gabby tries to help Bree face trial for a crime her husband Carlos committed by handing her a red dress to wear on the stand and deliver my favorite quote of the week.

“You’re right. Red is the color of blood and whores.”

As the hour wore on Lynette (Felicity Huffman) and Susan (Teri Hatcher) became more and more frustrated with Gabby who didn’t seem to be showing any signs that she was worried about her friend. We know that wasn’t true of course since Gabby rarely admits when she’s troubled, not on the first go around anyway. Her blow up over a fight between her daughters made her realize just how wrong it is of her and Carlos to let Bree take the fall for the murder. We’ll see what she does about it next week I guess. In the midst of all the pre-trial drama Bree also found herself struggling with jealousy over an unknown blonde that Trip has been hanging out with. Her jealousy gets the better of her and she lashes out, only to discover that the woman wasn’t who she thought she was at all. Bree’s moral indignation over what she thought was going on while at the same time being on trial for murder was classic Bree.

On the Scavo front Tom (Doug Savant) says his goodbyes as he prepares to leave for Mumbai and Lynette has a change of heart when he admits he will miss her. This little nugget of hope for their doomed marriage inspires Lynette to convince Tom’s boss not to send him to India, which he does willingly expecting that he will still get into Lynette’s pants. But when she dumps him he doesn’t react so well and badmouths Lynette at work in front of Tom, a move that gets him punched and Tom fired. Jane walks out soon after leaving Tom to rush to Lynette’s doorstep only to find her undressing for another man who was actually just Lee from down the street but Tom didn’t know that. Has there ever been a more selfish woman than Lynette on television…besides Alexis Carrington Colby I mean? There is some consolation in the fact that Lynette has finally realized this enormous flaw but she still can’t seem to get past it. And it seems Tom would recognize Lee (Kevin Rahm) after all these years…even from behind. Still, I think these two will work it out.

Next door Julie (Andrea Bowen) is worried about the kind of father Porter (Shane Kinsman) will be after misses a few doctor visits. Susan steps in and finds out Porter is busting his ass to make money for the baby but feels he is holding Julie back. This inspires Susan to offer to sell the house she shared with Mike and move up to wherever it is Julie attends college to help her raise the kid. The scene where she recounts what a great father Mike was and how the memories in that house are too painful was easily one of the highlights of the episode.

Somewhere in the shadows Renee (Vanessa Williams) is planning her wedding and has chosen a truly hideous purple taffeta nightmare for her bridesmaids to wear, a fact Lee is quick to point out and then repeat over and over again for the rest of the episode. At least get to see this outrageous wedding gown that she has designed.

As for Bree’s trial, everything seemed to be going well as the ladies told the story of their progressive dinner party on the witness stand, minus the bit about stuffing a dead Mexican in the hope chest before dessert. Then the prosecution entered into evidence something I never saw coming, something that most likely will send Bree to prison for life unless the ladies step in and tell the truth. All the ladies were excellent in “The People Will Hear” but Marcia Cross and Teri Hatcher really knocked it out of the park. Did any else expect Bree to show up with a basket of muffins for the judge? Just me huh? And where on earth was Carlos?

 The two-hour series finale of Desperate Housewives airs next Sunday on ABC and I have my box of tissue on standby. I have not watched the trailer so as not to spoil anything but I posted it below if you are so inclined.

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Catching Up With Desperate Housewives

May 2, 2012 by Leave a Comment

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a stroll down Wisteria Lane. For that I apologize. Work and life and other dramas got in the way for a while and then I realized just how depressed I was over hot mess that has been the final season of Desperate Housewives. Between Bree’s whore of Babylon phase and the Ben/Mike/Renee mafia subplot I just threw my hands up in despair and wept. But this is the final season and I can’t let the ladies of Fairview sip that last cup of coffee together without some sort of commentary. They are practically my neighbors too! I certainly know them better than I know my real neighbors. There are at least one or two people left who still care right? Hello? Is this thing on?

Anyway, grab a latte’ and one of Bree’s delicious muffins let’s catch up a bit. A lot has happened since the winter hiatus and I’ll try not to be too long winded. Bree’s cop boyfriend Chuck turned out to be a jerk who didn’t take kindly to being dumped and wound up run over by a jealous scheming Orson (Kyle McLachlan). Susan’s guilt over the cover up of Alejandro’s death got the best of her and she went to Oklahoma to visit his wife where she learned he was diddling his step daughter and suddenly she didn’t feel so bad about burying him in the woods. Then Julie (Andrea Bowen) shows up pregnant with Porter Scavo’s baby and all hell broke loose for an episode or two while Lynette and Susan coped with being grandmothers. Then we had Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira) in rehab Mrs. McCluskey’s cancer which I’m certain will result in a scene of her in hospice surrounded by weepy neighbors and I’m not sure I can take it. Kathryn Joosten is great but her character’s death on The West Wing tore my soul out and I can’t take another one. My heart just can’t handle it!

And in the middle of all this they kill Mike Delfino (James Denton) in a mob hit! A MOB HIT! ON WISTERIA LANE! Mike was the only man left on Wisteria Lane still willing to walk around with his shirt off. In last week’s episode “Lost My Power” we see Susan (Teri Hatcher) trying to be both mother and father to MJ without much success. Her awesome soapbox derby car was decidedly un-Susan-like in its lack of flaws but MJ wasn’t impressed. Apparently being the only kid at school without a Dad is weighing heavily on him. Susan does the right thing and calls in reinforcements in the form of Tom (Doug Savant), Ben (Charles Mesure), Bob (Tuc Watkins) and Lee (Kevin Rahm) and steps back to let MJ bond with his surrogate dads.

The most compelling thing to come out of season eight so far has been the destruction of Lynette (Felicity Huffman) and Tom’s marriage. Watching Lynette come to terms with the sort of partner she is only to repeat the same cycles again and again is heartbreaking. I’ve said in the past that I didn’t understand why Tom put up with the way she manipulates him but I have to say I’m hoping that those two crazy kids work it out before the finale, or at least leave us with the promise that they are going to try. I don’t like Tom’s new girlfriend Jane at ALL but the writers are making sure I don’t sympathize with her.

In “Power” Lynette stops playing Miss Nice Guy and lets her anger and jealousies get the best of her when Tom’s sleazy boss hits on her and offers to make Tom’s life hell. The delight she takes in seeing Tom’s relationship with Jane crumbling was classic Lynette, and I can’t say I blame her for feeling that way. But I don’t think she expected Tom to get transferred to Mumbai. I suspect a final declaration of love is in the cards for these two before the finale wraps up, and maybe even a Lynette/Jane catfight.
As the show winds down to a close the big question is will Bree (Marcia Cross) wind up taking the fall for the death of Gabby’s pedophiliac rapist stepfather. After all it was Carlos who killed the rapist in the living room with the candlestick at the end of last season, but it was Bree who suggested they cover it up. And now she’s on trial for murder thanks to a fingerprint on Alejandro’s shirt and no one seems too concerned about it. Well, no one but Bree. Thankfully she has a kickass lawyer named Trip Weston.

The people who should be the most worried about Bree’s legal situation is Carlos and Gabby (Eva Longoria), but we know Gabby too well and her mind is on more important things like clothes. One of my big complaints about the arc Desperate Housewives has taken over these eight years is the lack of growth in some of the characters, Gabby being the worst offender. She showed some promise after her kids were born and they dropped a few rungs on the income ladder but she is back to her old self again. Carlos on the other hand has evolved over the years and has probably shown the most growth of anyone on the show. So to see Gabby doing everything she can to undermine that is frustrating. I suppose at this point, with only the finale left I should stop worrying about it right? Not everyone learns from mistakes.

In “Lost My Power” Gabby sabotages a big donor to the non-profit Carlos now works for so she can keep her as a customer at the clothing store, making sure Carlos understands that she is bored with the “Carlos of Nazareth act”. ZING! When Carlos gets down about it she reminds him that he’s never going to change and should just embrace his ruthless nature. I really expected him to call her out on this but he kept quiet. I guess we’ll find out how he feels about this in the finale next week.

Hiding somewhere in the middle of all this is poor Renee who never really got a fair shake on Wisteria Lane. As the clock ticks down she is consumed with planning her wedding to Ben complete with dyed poodles and fireworks. And when Ben is called to testify in Bree’s trial she decides to speed up the process so she won’t have to testify against him thanks to some law about wives not being forced to testify against their husbands. I really don’t know what the finale has in store for these two.

It all ends next Sunday in the two-hour series finale. I have tried to stay away from spoilers but I do know that a whole mess of past cast members are making an appearance, even the dead ones. Maybe there will be a Return of the Jedi-esque moment where the girls stare off down the lane to see Mary Alice Young, Martha Huber, Beth Young, Karl Mayer and Felicia Tilman, Edie Brit and Patrick Logan all waving and smiling. Sadly the feud between Marc Cherry and Nicolette Sheridan probably means Edie won’t be there, but I can hope right? One thing I can guarantee is that tissue will be needed.
Check out this preview of the finale. Don’t worry it’s not too spoilery.

Follow me on Twitter @omgneal

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REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “Putting It All Together”

December 5, 2011 by 1 Comment

 

“Putting It All Together” brought some new blood into the writer’s room on Desperate Housewives and I think it is safe to say that the final season is NOT the time to be handing the reigns to newbies.

Creepy Cop Chuck Vance is all up in my girls business as he tries to figure out exactly how our desperate foursome is involved in the disappearance of that pedophile from Oklahoma who used to be on Ugly Betty. Without a body all he has to go on is his desire to make Bree cry for daring to break up with his crazy ass. He realizes pretty quickly that the fastest way to get Bree whipped up into a frenzy of angsty baking is to threaten her friends so he brings them all in for questioning.

Good old Susan (Teri Hatcher) can barely keep herself together and decides she and Mike (James Denton) should leave town immediately because that wouldn’t look suspicious at all. And since they are short on cash she hits up Felix Bergman (Leslie Jordan) for the money she is due for selling her confessional artwork. Felix has other ideas though and tells Susan she should move to New York so she can nurture her talent. Susan in New York? I smell a spin off! (kidding)

Gabby (Eva Longoria) is an old pro at lying and handles the questioning just fine, meaning Chuck sees right through her and soon figures out Alejandro is her stepfather. She cooks up a lie about Carlos having an affair and is faced with getting Carlos on board before Chuck questions him. This leads to a not-very-humorous adventure at the local rehab involving a gay male nurse reading The Help and a distraught family dealing with an alcoholic teen.

Lynette (Felicity Huffman) handles Chuck the best of them all but then has to race to catch Tom (Doug Savant) before he leaves on vacation with his new lady friend (Andrea Parker). Seems she is worried about being incarcerated and leaving the kids with nowhere to go. Tom agrees but is not happy about it.

Finally we have Bree (Marcia Cross) who is fast becoming a train wreck of woe and self pity. Left with nothing to comfort her but a bottle of Chardonnay she roams Fairview looking for friends in low places and finally winds up checking into a seedy motel with a pistol where she waxes poetic with the ghost of Mary Alice Young. We are left wondering if Bree will follow in her friend’s footsteps…until the previews for next week show us that she does not. Bad move ABC.

Renee (Vanessa Williams) finds herself once again discarded like an old sock and is reduced to rummaging through the gutters and drain pipes along Wisteria Lane searching for a worth storyline to get her through the holidays. What she finds is more insecurity about Ben that leads to a very uncomfortable conversation with Mrs. McKlesky about threesomes. When is someone going to tell her about all the drama she is missing out on? At least it would give her something to do.

This week rounds out with Ben getting run over in the street just as he is about to open an official investigation into Alejandro’s disappearance and from the looks of the previews the new mystery of the week will be who was behind the wheel? Was it Carlos who wants to save himself and his wife from jail? Was it off-the-wagon Bree who wants her friends back and was seen leaving her house late that evening? My money is on Chuck’s crazy ex-wife and her impeccable timing.

A couple of things bothered me about this latest episode of Desperate Housewives, not the least of which is that fact that they expect me to believe that Gabby Solis uses a six year-old cell phone. Mary Cherry teased us that this final season would take the show full circle and focus on the Mary Alice story. Besides the note left in Bree’s mailbox that hasn’t really happened. But the season is barely half over so there is still time for some redemption.

Desperate Housewives is on winter hiatus until January 8th.

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REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “Suspicion Song”

November 14, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Despite some mostly predictably plot developments “Suspicion Song” was a solid hour of drama on Desperate Housewives. Again I must apologize for skipping a week with these reviews. I had my own desperate drama to deal with in the form of way too much crap going on at work.

The action kicked off immediately this week with Bree (Marcia Cross) waking up to the sounds of an intruder in her house. Bree is a smart girl though and immediately calls the cops, gives the wrong address (4355 instead of 4354) and rushes downstairs with a firearm where she finds Chuck (Jonathan Cake) lurking around her foyer. The creepy cop claimed he responded to her 911 call but I’m not convinced it wasn’t him snooping for clues now that he is hot on the trail of Gabby’s missing stepfather.

Lynette gets a surprise when flowers arrive from Tom (Doug Savant) for their anniversary and everyone but her realizes they were sent because of a standing order at the florist and not because Tom wants to reconcile. After a conversation when a potential design client she decides to perm her hair, put on a slinky dress, steal a key to his apartment and head over there. Of course she ends up catching Tom and Dana pre-coitus and of course ends up embarrassing herself and her reaction was heartbreaking. You could see the slow transition in her face as she accepted her marriage was over. Well played Felicity Huffman!

I have to say Susan (Teri Hatcher) surprised me this week. After weeks of trying to get Andre Zeller’s approval in art class she has finally had enough, so when he brings in a prestigious and short gallery owner Felix Bergman (Leslie Jordan) she is less than impressed. That is until he heaps praise on her work and insists it be shown in his gallery.

Felix – “You’re like a sexy suburban Georgia O’Keeffe without all those pesky vaginas.”

Felix’s other memorable quote “I smell fear and mediocrity” was an obvious nod to his character on Will & Grace and that’s okay. I love Leslie Jordan to pieces. If you haven’t seen his one man show My Trip Down the Pink Carpet or the movie Sordid Lives rent them both immediately.

Given that Susan’s artistic expressions involve detailed images of the crime she and her friends committed they obviously cannot be displayed so naturally they end up on the wall in the gallery thanks to an intervention from Zeller who thinks it high time Susan had “greatest thrust upon her”. I think this may be the first time that the hurricane of fail that surrounds Susan wasn’t directly Susan’s fault. Granted, she did paint the darn things which are as Bree puts it “an artistic confession” but she did forbid Zeller to display then. And it was Zeller who gave them to Bergman without Susan’s approval, which is something Susan would have done if the roles were reversed actually, so maybe this was Susan’s fault after all.

 

The snobbish art community of Fairview goes nuts for the paintings of course but no one is as impressed as Chuck who is about 14 seconds away from putting all the pieces of this puzzle together. I loved when Bree got all up in his face and told him to charge her with a crime or “get the hell off her street!” Bree is so badass. And am I the only one who would love to have that painting of the four girls burying the body hanging in their living room?

Down at Casa Du Solis (4349 Wisteria Lane) Carlos is still drunk and rocking a bad fro and it is starting to affect his job. Gabby (Eva Longoria) convinces him to take a week off and heads to the office to take care of payroll where she unwittingly gives a very cute but backstabbing contractor named Geoffrey the means to sabotage Carlos by stealing his biggest client. When the news of the real reason Carlos is missing work gets out the client demands to speak with him. Turns out he was an alcoholic too and he convinces Carlos to go to rehab. It wasn’t shown but I’m guessing Geoffrey ends up getting fired. He’ll be okay though. The pretty boys always are.

With no body to prove the crime it is unlikely that Chuck will ever come up with enough evidence to charge any of the girls with anything at all unless someone confesses or someone on Ben’s construction staff fesses up to finding the body. Bree is at her breaking point though as we saw when she took that drink of wine at the end of the hour, so she may end up shooting Chuck and burying him in the woods too! Okay maybe not. He is a cop after all, but I don’t see this ending well for him. As for the girls I think it’s going to take something big to bring them together again. What else could this final season have in store for us?

Desperate Housewives is taking a break for the holidays and won’t be back until December 4.

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Desperate Housewives: “Witch’s Lament”

October 31, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Halloween arrived on Wisteria Lane and sadly the real horror was not Lee dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Instead the kids of Fairview were menaced by a post-menopausal Renee and the after effects of her “Women’s Love Juice”. Amusing as the whole situation was it did provide us with some sorely needed character development for Renee who while recovering in the hospital revealed that she hasn’t had sex since her divorce. It seems Renee talks a big game but deep down she’s just another insecure romantic. I’m rooting for her and Ben, but I won’t be surprised if we find out Ben is not what he seems to be.

Susan’s (Teri Hatcher) quest to become a serious artist took a leap forward this week when her teacher Andre Zeller chose her to be an intern on his latest project. Then it took two leaps backwards when internship turned out to be a fancy word for babysitter. The big news here is that Andre has a son who is just as miserable and intolerable as his father and Susan makes cheering the boy up her mission in life. The mission turns out to be pretty easy. Getting Andre to acknowledge he has a son that needs attention took a little more work and Susan did a fine job of it. For once she wasn’t falling over herself or getting naked for dubious reasons. I liked that she told Zeller she was done trying to get him to like her because she doesn’t like him. Go Susan!

At the Scavo’s house Lynette (Felicity Huffman) is finding it hard to manage with Tom’s new girlfriend Jane hanging around and when she offers to make Penny a Halloween costume Lynette swoops in. But we know Lynette can’t even thread a needle much less manage The Black Swan so with some help from Renee she hires an ex-Broadway costume designer to make it. What she gets back is a castoff from the set of Burlesque and Tom isn’t too thrilled about it. His gal comes to the rescue because in addtion to being a doctor she also knits costumes for all the kids in the cancer ward. Lynette tries to mark her territory with Tom (Doug Savant) and Jane calls her out for always wanting a fight which is why they are not togehter in the first place. I think that is what we call “getting told” Lynette. Snap. Kitten with a whip indeed. Penny did look cute though.

Now on a more serious note, I am not enjoying drunk Carlos at all. I don’t have any issues with them heading down this particular road but drunk Carlos doesn’t do anything but hallucinate and drink quietly by himself in a corner. I want drunk Carlos dancing on a table in his underwear while singing the National Anthem at little Juanita’s birthday party. I want some Postcards from the Edge stuff going on up in here. Maybe it’s a slow build and Carlos will crash spectacularly in time for Christmas. Everyone loves eggnog right?

Speaking of alcoholics Bree (Marcia Cross) is doing pretty well staying on the wagon in light of recent developments. She has kept a cool head concerning the news that Ben’s real estate development is about to break ground and uncover their little secret. And this wouldn’t be a week in Fairview if the girls didn’t embark on a woefully unrealistic attempt to manipulate the situation in their favor. This particular one involved trapping rare frogs to plant on the site and only Gabby (Eva Longoria) would wear a mini-dress and waders to go trolling for exotic amphibians. One would think that after this many years of friendship Bree would know better than to ask Gabby to help handle anything slimy. When they finally do get out to the woods with their shovels they find out he’s already dug up which they sort of gave away in the first few seconds of the episode. And who was the man chasing them through the woods?

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REVIEW: Desperate Housewives “The Art of Making Art”

October 24, 2011 by Leave a Comment

The fragile thread that holds the colorful quilt of drama we call Desperate Housewives together has begun to slowly unravel and we are only five episodes into the final season. Friendships are strained, marriages collapsing and it is only a matter of time before that dead body in the woods is dug up, and by matter of time I mean just in time for November sweeps.

Lynette (Felicity Huffman) and Tom (Doug Savant) have finally started couples counseling and it is going just about as well as you would expect it to be with Tom doing alot of pointing and eye rolling and Lynette making inflamatory noises in his general direction. At least they have established that they both should be dating and/or sleeping with other people so they can be 100% sure they can’t find anything better and Lynette is not one to take a challenge lying down…well maybe except this one. After a disasterous attempt at online dating Renee talks her into a night of bar hopping. This is also a generally terrible idea until Lynette meets a handsome divorced father of two (Richard Ruccolo) whom she mistakes for the valet. After some small talk she finds herself liplocked with the hunk back at his apartment, but freaks out and bolts after she drops her wedding ring.

Gabby’s (Eva Longoria) first big job as the president of the PTA isn’t going so well either. When she’s late for a meeting because of a hot-stone massage that ran long the ladies with “normal lives” are not amused. And Gabby, more out of touch than ever before buys them with a visit from her beauty squad which just makes things worse. Meanwhile Carlos is at home getting drunk because he’s sad about the man he killed and Mike (James Denton) won’t let him talk to his BFF Susan about it anymore. I have to say I was surprised by Mike’s reaction here after being so supportive of Susan. Seems like he could appreciate the benefits of being able to talk to someone about it and his assuming that Susan doesn’t want the same is no doubt leading her down a road to a big nasty breakdown…probably involving nudity and or more internet porn. Sorry I got sidetracked a bit. Gabby calls Carlos to help finish setting up for the big PTA Teacher Appreciation Night and he arrives all drunk and tragic which surprisingly gains her the sympathy and support of the other PTA ladies.

Also a bit tragic but not drunk…yet…is Bree (Marcia Cross) who is feeling very unholy and less than Godlike now that she has participated in the cover up of a murder. To regain her status as the moral compass of Wisteria Lane she reaches out to neighbor and Aussie hunk Ben to offer her help at the homeless shelter. It isn’t long before the sad state of the meals being served to the poor and downtrodden has Bree whipping up one of her famous bisques. When the news gets out local hipsters and food bloggers start showing up instead, because food bloggers and hipsters would totally go hang out at a homeless shelter with their laptops right? Reverend Sykes guilts her into kicking her adoring fans out and she does so with a heartwrenching speech about the homeless which prompts Ben to seek her help convincing the city council to let him build his low income housing project. I’ll give you two guesses where he wants to build it. We’ll come back to that.

Oh Susan (Teri Hatcher), how long has it been since we’ve seen you naked? It feels like only last season when you barely had any clothes on ever so this week when art genius Andre Zeller told the class he wanted them to paint in the nude it was like coming home again. And to think the whole thing was your fault because you got the giggles while painting a naked man. Imagine that! At least you piqued the interest of Zeller enough for him to come begging you to rejoin the class after your dramatic exit. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that very soon we’ll see a dramatic painting expunged from the corrupt and tormented depths of your soul depicting a dead body in the woods surrounded by four weeping housewives and one annoyed looking Renee. Am I close?

Next week is Halloween on Wisteria Lane and I’m betting our girls get a few more tricks than treats. Tune in Sunday at 9pm on ABC to find out.

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